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The New, The Old and The Ugly
I thought now the hard pre season is done and the first couple of games are out of the way then it was the correct time to fill you in with some new arrivals to the club, a few departures and some general banter from both inside and outside the changing rooms.
We will start with some departures and on a personal note probably the guy I will miss the most both around the changing room, on the pitch and of course on the piss. This is Timmy ‘the bear’ Wareham who has upped sticks and moved down south to be with his girlfriend known to the boys simply as ‘Weymouth’. She is expecting a cub sometime in November and they boys wish them all well. Timmy is now playing at Bournemouth, the last he told me was that “it’s great, you can get on the piss on a Friday night and still look good on the pitch”, and nothing changes then!!!! Other departures see both ‘iron fist’ Woody and DC take on the coaching responsibility at Rossendale. I’m not sure what they’ll be like on the pitch, but I’m sure getting on the smash at that club will now be fun! Another player who has moved on due to being told by his MRS is Sean ‘shinawatra’ Hannah, who has moved to Hull and is playing for Hullionians. Three players have moved onto Stockport including James Drew, Coops and Dalts.
Gareth ‘Longy’ Martin was last heard to be playing for St Helens in the Super League, or was it Chester in North one? I’m not sure who won the race for his signature. Finally, two players who have moved on to foreign territory are Gaz Rawlings who is now playing in the French equivalent to national one with LeMouges and Isaac ‘pube head’ Richmond who has moved onto Barcelona with his family, the last quote we heard from him was “I’m the biggest back here”, well you have been playing with the fattest centre in national rugby for the last twelve months!!! I’m not sure where Anabel has moved onto to but I bet it’s in the Catalan region of Spain. Good luck to all the boys who have moved on and make sure you get back for a pint in the near future.
As always many players have arrived at Grove Park this summer, and they have all fitted in well. Replacing ‘the bear’ on the Longton bus is Marshall Gadd. Marshall brings the boys to training in a lovely Punto, which he says is a “nice little run around”. Marsh is single but dating. Another addition to the front row is Livers, Livers made an early impression on the boys with his antics on the first team night out in Fridays. I can’t say anymore for legal reasons!!! Get back in your box!
Although Stockport did acquire three of our players, their two best players decided to make the step up to Manchester this year and have already shown they can make the step up both on the pitch and with the banter. Welcome to Robbie Wellock and Paul Ralph. A special mention goes to Pauls dad already known as ‘corn beef’ in the changing rooms, he loves his piss so should fit in well at the club. A man of few words who has joined us at Grove Park is former Loughbrough student Seb Moss. The only thing I know about this guy is that he’s single and is Gaz Wynnes mate, take from that what you want.
Moving into the revamped Mere is Chris Buck, again little known about Bucky other than he paints fingernails black, puts on eye shadow, plays in a band and is like Seb, single! There will be one other arrival along with Bucky, Henry and Gary Rundle in the mere, more details to follow!
We also have a few players returning to the club. Henry Platt returns from a (very) brief sabbatical in NZ. There are a few roomers surrounding Henrys premature return, one is he was missing his mummy (who wouldn’t miss the lovely Lesley), another was he was ordered back by Gem Pen, the truth is he was missing the banter at the club and he was missing Dave Baldwin even more. Adam Knight has also returned to the club from Burnage. Welcome back!
Dave Baldwin has retained the services of many of the previous seasons players. Captain Bramhall is his usually witty self and has signed on for another year. England Counties representative Scott Rawlings has so far fought back the tears after his brother moved on and is back in the Grove Park dressing room. All is not lost for Scott, he has gained a brother in Callum after his recent tour to Russia, Chocolate shoulders is also back in training. Matty Owen decided he’d prefer two weeks on the piss in Kos rather a tough trip to Russia with the Counties during the off-season.
The Macc lads Benny Coulbeck and Keepy are still with us. Keepy is returning to the new role as fines master. He’s got to pay for the BMW somehow.
Craig Wilson has returned for his first full season in national 2 after impressing at the end of last season. He has filled out somewhat, must be something they eat on the Longton bus. Of the students Aled has made it back with his shoulders still in tact, just! I’m glad to announce Wainners is back at fortress Grove Park. He has been doing a number of things over the summer including bin sniffing. You can take the boy out of Barnsley but not the Barnsley out of the boy!
Junior ‘the feather’ Lowden has floated back to Grove Park for a crack at 1XV after impressing in the 2’s all last season. Another player who made a big impression with the 2’s last season was Big Jim Williams. Jim has been appointed 2XV skipper for the season, well done mate, looking forward to your captains speech at the club dinner already, your beautiful! Big G is also with us again, which is good news for the club but bad news for those who get in a round him, he can drink. Brian has had a summer at Elstreet studios and is now 100 grand richer, loves cider and has a twin on his arm. He has still made the effort to train with us somehow, and impressed in pre season games. Shut up! The prop turn 10 David Rees is back training, again Reesy has a great season with the 2’s last season and was pivotal in them doing the league and cup double. Our US marine has stayed with us for a crack at first team this year. Tom ‘jar head stumbling mumbling fucker’ Allerton has returned along with his stutter and is putting pressure on the 1 XV wingers. Tom finished top of the try scoring charts in the 2XV league last season, no mean feat. Well done jar head! Faz is an old face around the club, but a new face at training. He is another man that has had a good pre season and even managed to sink a few diet cokes during the team night out. Keep it up!
A small mention should go to the Jets who have joined us for the season. Garth Dew made an early impression (on Wynnies head), Will Cliff a scrum half has joined us and returning for a second season minus his driving license but plus a few extra KGs is Stuart Ebberall. He even had the cheek to appear for the full Sharks side in the Middlesex 7’s, what a piss take! Make sure you get involved boys both on and off the pitch!
Coming back with a bang from a failed suicide mission is Tom Mantell, shoe bomber is looking fit and raring to go with a new pair of Reebok classics, is that sulfa I can smell? Gaz Wynne is with us again, he impressed the boys with his ability to look hot in stockings and suspenders last season (check out facebook)! Andre is a major coup in my eyes for this season, although he does go to the world cup for a couple of weeks and misses a game I am sure he will play a major role for us! Do not forget your gym card while you’re out there Dre.
I guess there is just one person to mention who the club have retained. ME! An off season that included a trip to Twickenham and 11 days in Canada with Lancashire (again see facebook), I came back to training with one to many Canadian beers inside me with the sight of Scott Pearson in the distance. I can honestly say I shit myself and have never felt so shit during a training session in my rugby career! With session one out of the way I knew it would get easier, but not much. After training four nights a week and sneaking a few gym sessions in along the way (not much else to do during the summer holidays) I am feeling fit and looking forward to the season ahead! I even know how to work a tractor now.
Stop Press!!!!!!!
There have been a few sightings of a long haired blonde geezer with a big smile at the club looking suspiciously like ‘Tubes’ from Soccer AM. I think that naughty boy Crainey is Back!!!!!!
Lets have a good season both on and off the pitch boys!
Stay tuned for an insight on the non-playing staff that run things behind the scenes at Grove Park.
