We arrived at Manchester for this Friday fixture knowing that it would be a testing match. With Manchester winning the Lancashire Hot Pot cup last season we knew we had to play aggressively and with discipline. It looked like this was going to be one Balti Exotica of a match.

The teams ran on to the pitch and substitutes Tandoori King Prawn and Lamb Chop Main carried the sparkling mineral water and bottles of Cobra. Tandoori King Prawn was very disappointed not to be playing and was keema than anything to show his skills.

Machley Rosha, our special starter kicked off floating the ball a near perfect ten metres. A real appetizer of what was to come. Both teams tucked in for the first ruck of the game. Garlic Chicken Chilli Massalla and Balti Akbari Cham Cham drove over the ball allowing scrum half Shami Kebab to recycle the ball along the backs. The ball flowed along the line: Bengal Sil-Silla to Tasty Tikka to Machley Rosha who crossed the gain line, to Rogon Josh the winger who purid down the wing. Just as we thought we had our first try, Rogon Josh dropped the balti.

The game ebbed and flowed with Manchester winning good possession and secondary phases resulting in them scoring 2 tries, one by Bambi and the other Sheapie. I suppose it makes a change from Chicken and Lamb. I did think we could possibly cook them together and name the dish number 8.

I was disappointed that we had let Manchester in when I noticed we were down to 14 men. I asked one of our other coaches where Palak Paneer was and was told that Palak had had a bad Chinese meal the night before, got the Chilli Chingries and had gone for a China Chat. I saw him running back to the pitch.

‘Where have you been’, I shouted.

‘I’ve vindaloo’.

Our pack was certainly competing well with Manchester and we showed great strength with our aggresive Bhaji and strong Pakora, however we ran in at half time 14-0 down.

I reflected at the interval on the various individuals on the team. We are not the best looking team on the planet. Popadom, our flanker is rather plain. He can be spicy in the ruck but his handling skills can be a mixed pickle and rarely catches the balti at the lime out when No 2 Chutneys it in.

I also looked at our travelling support. The Bhuna Buttie hunters. One lad, Special Achari comes from a very large family and I asked him during the interval who had come to support him today.

‘Oh I brought my nans. There’s Plain Nan, Garlic Nan, Keema Nan, Garlic Keema Nan, Garlic Chilli Nan and Garlic Coriander Nan and they are standing next to mum and dad-my Parathas. I don’t know who the Chapati is next to Keema Nan but he seems to be stuffing my Parathas.’

‘Your nan looks to have a nice pair of kebabs, Special Achari.’
‘No they sag aloo, although I do know that she was hot when she was younger and liked to Bombay Duck. There was also a rumour that she swung both ways. 1⁄2 rice, 1⁄2 chips so to speak’.

Well when the chips are down and the match is a chicken chat puri we need to tikka stir fry things up a bit. Mixed Kebab, whose parathas are from India and England was an excellent starter and the kick sailed high at the start of the second sitting. From the kick off, Manchester’s Discount Dave Scampied down the lime, drew his nan and passed to Golden Balls to score Manchester’s third. I think Discount could have scored himself but he omeLETTE his team mate.

There was an injury to Tandoori Chicken Massala in the second half. One of the Manchester players stamped on his onion bhajies. He was well looked after to such an extent that they even placed his head on a pilau. He was then given Free Home Delivery as he was within a three mile radius.

The Manchester pack were a good looking bunch with many English Dishes. I did notice at the scrum though the props and the hooker all had cauliflower Bhajis. The match progressed and we were looking Chat and then, once again we were down to fourteen men. Bendi Bhaji swerved around the Manchester backs and was duly Dhansaked to the floor with a high tackle. Chaos broke out with players throwing punches. Chicken Tikka Jalfrezi landed a Karahi kick on the Prof. It was a raitha.

Mc Ref cooled down the players and called over Chicken Tikka Jalfrezi who was very hot under the collar although generally was rather chilli in the Autumnal air.

On and on Jalfrezi moaned that it was not his fault and didn’t mean to Karahi kick the Prof. Mc Ref shouted ‘Aloo Gobi, you are off and from the menu of cards produced red.

As a result of the high tackle McRef gave us a penalty try and the whole team did a samber.

The final whistle was blown by Mc Ref who picked up the Pall. Manchester had won 17 points to 7 and the players formed a tunnel. Three cheers for Mumbai, chip chip, karahi, chip chip karahi, chip chip karahi. Three cheers for Manchester, chip chip, karahi, chip chip karahi, chip chip karahi.

The players shook hands. Well we all know what happened then. There was a Mad-Ras for the meal tickets and a Balti for the clubhouse for a set meal for 30.The lads were told not to hesitate for a dish of their taste that is not listed. The chef will be pleased to cook it for you.

It had been a good day and we didn’t play too chat. My thanks goes to the punkawallers at Manchester and their hospitality. And now to the next match against the Chinky Choo Corrinthians first 15.

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