Stellar win against Lymm at Lune - Vale of Lune tournament - Part 1 - Pool matches

The families who had made a weekend of the tournament with a trip to Blackpool the day before were all in fine fettle – apparently the ladies of the group did not avail themselves of the Big One preferring to partake instead of a trip to the local boutiques and upmarket haute cuisine of Lobster (crisps) and fizz!

The day started well, with prompt erection (thanks to Ajay) of our “event tent”. Chairs were set out, blankets laid and nibbles purchased or taken from fully stocked picnic supplies. Balders had got a flask or two and seemed very happy with his pitch. Birds were singing and spring springing! The scene was set for a fun days’ rugby.

However, Statto’s take on this pleasant and idyllic English scene appears somewhat different!!
Please read on:

Today we find ourselves sitting on a Manchester Rugby Mum powder keg.
Despite a heavy police presence the day began as most Sundays have this season with a number of arrests and seven members (that's half a knob) of Manchester's Rugby Mums Ultras held in custody when the Lune branch of Waitrose was destroyed after it ran out of Jackson Estate Stich Sauvignon Blanc 2011.

I shook my head with sadness at the scenes I saw. Was it just mindless hooliganism? or was it, as I suspected, something more? The government's austerity measures were beginning to be felt. By making the cost of good wine more and more prohibitive, it seemed society was abandoning these women to the unbearable horror of sober parenting. Once again I thanked the freak accident where I was bitten by a lethally irradiated accountant. Radioactive mutagenic enzymes in the Entry Level Clerk's venom quickly caused numerous body-wide changes. Immediately after the bite, I was granted my original powers: superhuman strength, reflexes, and equilibrium; the ability to cling tenaciously to most surfaces; and a subconscious precognitive sense of danger, which I called my "statty-sense." It was this 'tingling' sense that had alerted me years before to the impending economic downturn. So I had stockpiled cases of Bouchard Aine et Fils Red Burgundy 2009 with which I could keep the current wife happily intoxicated watching a loop of Samoa' s greatest tackles and allow me to immerse myself fully in my hobbies: surfing the match data, discerning patterns of play emerging over the course of a season; following the current research on Peripatus and other species of Velvet Worm; and vodka fuelled amateur surgery. That night my restless nature quickly tired of the Phylum Onychophora and, frustratingly, I'd run out of bandages so I let my mind, synapses fizzing - impatient for a cerebral workout, wander over the course of the days' play.

Skipping quickly over the leaked camera phone footage on You Tube of a rugby mum in front of a smashed shop window, shouting "When I've gone in, there's only two ways I'm coming out - with a Body Shop bag or in a Body Shop bag." I managed to focus on the Vale of Lune tournament. Manchester were without question in the toughest group. With teams such as Lymm, Preston Grasshoppers, Rossendale and Southport to play we were hopeful but always knew it was going to be difficult to progress, especially with a small squad in terms of numbers.

First up was Lymm. The need to be in the faces of our rivals from the off is vital and the boys didn't disappoint. Lymm went long with the kick off only to see the ball caught cleanly by the Manchester full back who drove hard into the Lymm half. The chasing Manchester pack and centres kept the pressure on the Lymm defence without breaking them down. Patience paid off eventually with Manchester turning the ball over at a Lymm lineout, passing the ball across the field and although Lymm managed to hold the attack up at a resulting maul, Manchester came away with the ball, there's a peach of a pass to an on-rushing player who accelerated on to the pass and sprinted down the touchline, muscling over in the left-hand corner to score. Try two came from another turnover at a Lymm lineout in their own half. The ball was passed to a Manchester player, who, from a few yards out, was strong enough to force himself over the line. The third try was the result of great pressure by the tireless Manchester pack at a Lymm scrum, the ball was fed out to a Manchester player who, seeing some space on the blindside, put his head down and made a storming run off the back of the scrum to dive over the line. Half time.

The second half began at the same tempo as the first. The fourth try was well crafted, again from a lost Lymm lineout, seeing a series of neat interchanging passes move the ball across the pitch for the eventual try scorer to race over the line. From the resulting kick off the ball was well caught by a Manchester player who darts into the Lymm half and manages to evade a couple of tackles before carrying the ball over the line to score. The last try of the game came again from pressure put on the opposition at their own lineout the ball was well won and sharply fed out to a racing Manchester player who crashed through the Lymm defence to score.

Superb rugby by Manchester to start the tournament and always a nice scalp to take too. We were dominant from first to last. There were moments where we were put under a bit of pressure but all in all it was a very tidy performance from Manchester. Very pleasing.

The all revealing stats showed that both sides kicked the ball once, Manchester won their solitary scrum and two out of three Lymm ones. They were not awarded any lineouts but managed to win four out of five of the oppositions. There were no penalties to either team and Manchester turned the ball over twice (at least. The game was played at a great pace.)
Final score:

Manchester 6 Lymm 0