HEATON MOOR 0 v MANCHESTER 2

During the warm up whispers and rumours had spread like wild fire around Manchesters’ horde of spectators. Where was Steph, our intrepid reporter? Some told of her covering another Antarctic expedition; others had heard she was pacing the corridors of the UN trying to help broker a peace deal between Yorkshire and Lancashire; whilst one crazed parent, probably after one too many coffees that morning, ranting at anyone who’d listen, said that this reporting malarky was just a cover and she was, in fact, hacking her way through the Mayan jungle on the trail of a cursed gem. Whatever the reason, this was my chance, my moment to come out of the shadowy world of statistics, emerging, nervously blinking into the glorious light that is match reporting (and I’d heard that you get paid by the word, so this should pay for a Lidl’s shop and maybe treat the kids to a bunch of limes and stave of the impending scurvy outbreak in our household.) Word count £1.65

GAME ONE

Overhead the clouds broiled angrily as the gods of rugby looked down. (that’s a great 12p of anyone’s money). Heaton Moor had set out a very narrow pitch and it took a while for our boys to adapt their developing expansive style of rugby to suit the restrictions this imposed on them. From the off we put pressure on the home team, forcing much of the game to be played in their half, but credit is due to Heaton Moor whose players tackled tremendously to keep our boys out and also managed a couple of good kicks out when really under the cosh. Word count £2.71

Although scrums were a rare thing in this period, our pack worked hard, as they have done all season, winning fifty percent of the Heaton Moor put ins and all our own. We also did well in the lineouts winning all but one of the five home team’s and our own solitary one. Word count £3.24

The pressure had to tell eventually and from some great perseverance in a ruck and maul close to the Heaton Moor try line the ball was ripped and forced over the try line. The subsequent conversion was scored.

Word count £3.63

Heaton Moor 0 7 Manchester

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE, MILES!

76 days: 10 hours: 13 minutes: 47 seconds

(Headline provided free of charge)

I am often accused of focusing on the minutae of a rugby game, the things which don’t really, at the end of the day, matter to the spectators, daft things like the number of lineouts, who won the scrums? Did we get more penalties than them? And parents, quite rightly, get frustrated when I fail to see “The Big Picture”. The shocking figure above that brings shame upon our great club illustrates this point. This morning in a telephone conversation with a clearly agitated, and possibly psychotic, U11 lady supporter I discovered that Miles C has spent the above time dodging buying a round of teas and coffees for the ‘gaggle’ or ‘murder’ (I forget the collective noun) of increasingly desperate and dangerous mums on the touchline. Miles, these desperate and dangerous mums may take matters into their own hands. The caller hinted that as the festive season is almost upon us you might be visited by the girlies of Christmas past, present and future wearing hobnail doc martins (in tasteful pastel shades and floral patterns) to instruct you in the error of your ways if you don’t get the Kenco and Earl Greys in!

GAME TWO

a re-jigged Manchester team took to the field for the second game of the day and immediately put the lessons of the first one to use, the width of the pitch making for a more direct style of rugby. The pattern of the game was set. Manchester kept the pressure on Heaton Moor for much of the game, competing well in the rucks with our players always willing to drive forwards.We made strong runs at the Heaton Moor defence, they tackled hard to prevent us from scoring and managed a break away of their own, almost scoring when one of their players charged down a clearing kick close to our try line and was unlucky with the subsequent bounce of the ball. We recovered well and the original kicker produced a magnificent kick, finding touch midway into the home side’s half. The winning try came from a Heaton Moor defensive scrum once again won by our hardworking pack, the ball was thrown wide by the scrum half for the onrushing scorer to make a great run across the pitch for the only try of this game. Word count £5.25

Final score
Heaton Moor – 0 – 1 - Manchester

For all fans of stats this second game produced three lineouts (all to the home side) of which Manchester won one. Three Manchester scrums each won by us, four Heaton Moor scrums two of which we won. Three Heaton Moor penalties, two Manchester ones and a partridge in a pear tree. Word count £5.76

Many thanks to Heaton Moor for a great game and we look forward to playing them at home at some point in the season. Oh well back to the dark world of stats next week as we welcome back Steph, no doubt clutching a pulitzer in one hand and a surprise coffee in the other! Word count £6.31

Addendum from Steph: What a fab job Rhys has done, I stand humbled before his literary prowess – I’ll never be able to match this. And sadly, no such intrepid adventures for me unless you include excavating snot from noses. However, my kitchen has been said to resemble a jungle and certainly smells like one on a Sunday afternoon.