I KNOW ‘COS I WAS THERE...

... In spirit admittedly, so firstly, many apologies to Max Boyce, for the misappropriation of his most famous catchphrase and also to Tom Jones, for my wife’s misappropriation of undergarments from his washing line. But that’s not unusual...

That yawning void, that feeling or state of emptiness, loneliness, or even loss, I believe many of you experienced and tried to articulate last Sunday was caused by a disagreement. They say “never go to sleep with an argument unresolved”. In our household we resort to arm-wrestling if necessary, although Mrs Statto does have the weight advantage, which is why she joined our very own colony of agitated False Widows, Manchester U13s Grannies, on the touchline at Macclesfield, whilst I spent the day trawling around the NEC for the best dive site Lucretia Borgia-Statto could get chomped on during a Great White Shark feeding frenzy.

Before I forget - All Manchester U13s Grannies - Now you’re of a certain age I’ve been asked to remind you that the last date for boiling Christmas carrots and sprouts is the 19th November. Many thanks in advance. Oh and watch out for the new food contamination scandal. Aunt Bessie’s Yorkshire puddings have been found to contain Uncle Bens DNA.

With absolutely no idea of what went on and only a vague guesstimation of the scores, I’ve been tasked with creating a detailed, analytical match report. No change there then! I’m only surprised that those of you who bother to read the notes churned out each week during the sad little booze-free, five-minute lunches where a tragic sandwich is consumed in the grim glow of a screen that’s always on, while whatever is left of my conscious mind fills up Facebook with line after line of my desperate, futile existence, believe that they in any way represent what happened on the day. Hey ho!

In truth this could have been written earlier but a couple of things cropped up. On Monday my computer crashed and then all the other computers slowed down so they could see what had happened. And on Thursday I spent the day dipping laxatives in red food colouring and painting a little ‘M’ on them to give trick-or-treaters something to remember this Halloween.

With a sigh I reluctantly put down “Indo-Pacific Nudibranchs and Sea Slugs”, the most comprehensive guide to those soft-bodied, marine gastropod molluscs which inhabit the area from South Africa to Easter Island and from southern Japan to northern Australia and began to fabricate. This wasn’t helped by the fact that I’ve had to put the heating on for the first time since April. Not because it’s cold but because I’ve spent the last six months saving up to pay for it. Indeed, scientists have claimed that turning the heating on after the summer is as traumatic as losing a reasonably well-liked relative. I’d go further. It’s as bad as losing a pet. Perhaps not a proper pet like a dog, but certainly a cat.

Helpfully, Steph, my Editor, had already filed her report. I really don’t know how she finds the time. She seems to spend most of any given Sunday morning down on the touchline trying to single-handedly recreate the Battle of Flodden, which, from what I can gather, amid the screams, murderous oaths and gaelic battle cries, was 500 years ago on September 13th. I know she’s currently doing 180 hours community service for invading Carlisle last month, so maybe that’s how she does it. Anyway here’s her account...

ENGLAND’S GREEN AND PLEASANT LAND?

Not sure whether the changing of the clocks sent us into another dimension this morning, as on arrival at Macclesfied there were lots of Welsh accents. Being married to a Welshman myself and a keen follower* of Leigh Halfpenny (check him out ladies, and those gents that may be interested)I thought that we had somehow been transported into Gods own country. But no, it was Macclesfield, and the accents were Llanishen, a touring team from Cardiff.

The first game was us against Llanishen. As I am not Statto, my comments can only say that the opposition were a well organised team who played good rugby. Manchester (including one kindly donated Macc payer as we only had 14 men today with half term upon us) worked hard and defended well and managed to keep the score after 30 minutes to 7 to Llanishen and 0 to us.
The Welsh tourers were a friendly bunch, obviously enjoying a vigorous tour as one of the boys was unable to play in the match as he had a back injury sustained by playful wrestling the night before. Over to Statto.

Hi Steph - From what I can tell by watching the video Manchester seemed to be defending for the most part, battling against a very well drilled Welsh team, dreadful weather and what appears to be a sustained earthquake, lasting for the duration of the morning. The touring team carried with real purpose and made a number of inroads into the Manchester defence, only to be held up by strong determined tackling. It was good to see both sides being very positive which made for an incredibly positive game. Back to Steph.....

We were then straight into our game with Macclesfield. Again my limited knowledge shows as I can only muster a paragraph as opposed to the details that Rhys can provide for the rugby aficionados. The home side started off the stronger team and scored two tries before Manchester lifted their heads up and came back, gaining in fluency and spirit as the game went on. There were some notable pushes by Manchester through strong defence. The final score was Macclesfield 17 and Manchester 15 - both sides scoring three tries apiece, but a solitary successful conversion by the home team splitting the sides.Our chronic lack of numbers in the end wonderfully demonstrated the strength of spirit that Manchester found to come straight from a sapping defeat in such awful playing conditions against a strong team, go two tries down and then even the game up. Well done boys.

Hi Steph - Again, I have to rely on some shaky camera work here but from what I saw, our boys did us proud, dragging themselves up to the plate on an increasingly boggy and heavy pitch and each gave his all. It says it all that after such a start they had the guts, belief and tenacity to get back into the game and attack with so much purpose. As the coaches said: “Be proud, very proud. We are.”

Macclesfield played Llanishen while Manchester showered. For the record the Welsh team won 4 tries to 0 ( not sure about conversions).

Thanks to Macclesfield and the boys from Wales for some great and strongly contested rugby.

*Restricted to within 500 yards, currently on appeal.