THE ONE WHERE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WENT TO WILMSLOW

Currently having a mid-season block with match reports and the fact that my other half and myself had attended Manchester Rugby Club's annual Marquee Ball the night before didn't help. I think this is why Statto felt that the theme of zombies would be an appropriate one as there were a few ashen face parents amongst us that fine morning.

I was thinking more of Pete Marsh, Lindow man, as I stumbled my way cross country from the warm and civilised clubhouse to pitches that were a short drive away but what felt like a long walk as we got lost in the undergrowth, stumbled up banks and got tangled in brambles. Fortunately I encountered neither Pete Marsh or zombies and arrived relatively unscathed to watch the game kick off.

Loving Statto's Scooby Doo headings for the paragraphs! ( Think I am more Thelma than Daphne. Statto is definately more Shaggy than Fred! )

Anyhow, over to the maestro.....

Most of those who follow Manchester U13s rugby team week in week out, can, charitably, be classed as ‘human’. Some appear to be still swinging merrily amongst the branches of life’s evolutionary tree, whilst others spend their days furtively wiping snot down the arms of chairs in Darwin’s waiting room. And all, at one stage or another, have blurred my conception of mankind as nature’s final word.

JEEPERS!
So on any given Sunday morning I can at least say with a varying degree of confidence that I am surrounded by other carbon based life forms, who store genetic information in the form of DNA; who ingest organic material (usually in the form of sausages) and manipulate it for use with oxygen to create an energy source; who will, over the course of the match be converting physical phenomena such as electromagnetic radiation, longitudinal waves, pressure changes and molecular properties into chemical information that can be interpreted by their cerebral cortex; and who exist in at least three spatial and one temporal dimension and like wine. A lot.

JINKIES!
And on any given Sunday they stand on the touchline full of life (usually microscopic and vaguely harmful to the host organism) but at least alive. Today though I watched as the shambling, arms-outstretched extras from ‘Mid-morning of the Living Dead’ stumbled and staggered their way up to the side lines with an eerie emptiness in their eyes. They seemed incapable of speech, only occasionally making low moaning and guttural sounds. From what I could tell many were still wearing whatever clothing they wore in their human life, prior to reanimation this fine day. Their ashen grey faces were smeared with what I could only hope was slow braised pulled lamb shoulder in a herb and bean broth with red cabbage and a potato and vegetable gratin and not something that used to be a neighbour... like last year.

ZOINKS!
I mention this only because so far this season Manchester U13s have lurched between playing rugby of such poetic, lyrical beauty as witnessed against the likes of Lymm and Fylde, that it has been described as the rugby equivalent of ‘Sir Gawain and the Green Knight’, a late 14th-century Middle English alliterative romance. Then inexplicably they implode the following week with all the grace and subtlety of ‘There was a Young Man from Nantucket...’

I tried to ponder this as I picket my way through the spooky, primeval forest that covers most of Wilmslow, but all I could think about was whether to go and watch the game or press on and destroy the ring in the fires of Mordor... Realising that I couldn’t put it off any longer I begrudgingly made my way to pitchside muttering under my breath all the way.

FIRST HALF
Wilmslow kicked off. Manchester immediately forced a scrum which they won, quick hands flinging the ball out wide before the advancing player passed it back inside... and that’s where the bright start ended! A quick breakaway by Wilmslow’s speedy backs was met with little opposition and they scored under the post to open the scoring and give their kicker an easy conversion. And then the high weirdness started. After that early lapse in concentration the boys’ defensive game strengthened and for the rest of the match Wilmslow found it impossible to break through down the centre. Whenever the home side had possession they would attack with purpose but despite repeated attempts, couldn’t make any progress down the middle of the park. There were some shuddering big hits and fine last gasp tackles put in by Manchester to stop any surge into their own 22. Wilmslow do have an abundance of intelligent, skillful ball players so they created danger with every attack and learned to adjust their game. This bore fruit with a second try, this time out to the flanks for a speedy player to race down the touchline to score a fine try. Huge credit then went to one Manchester player who took his chance and charged down the conversion attempt. Great work fella!

The score told one story but buried another. It was a hard, physical match. Wilmslow were winning but the majority of the ball had been in Manchester’s hands. They were completed some great phases of play of their own, attacking using the full width of the pitch, more than I had seen in many a game this season (seven times in the first half alone!), our pack was matching theirs and we were forcing them to kick from defence. We were losing but playing good rugby - all that was missing was the end product, a try. Wilmslow are, in my opinion, one of the best three sides in the region (that’s Cheshire and Lancashire) so scoring against them would be always be at a premium this morning, but we were for substantial passages of play taking the game to them and they were relying on hitting us on the break.

Stats for this half are as follows: Manchester didn’t kick the ball whilst Wilmslow kicked three times. Only Manchester had any line-outs each, winning two out of three. We had six scrums, winning them all, whilst Wilmslow were awarded four, which they won. We had two penalties but the home side were awarded just the one. Stats showed that in this first period the ball got out to the wing seven times but there were five breakdowns, two being knock ons.

FIRST HALF
Wilmslow 12 Manchester 0

SECOND HALF
Wilmslow started the half camped in the shadow of the Manchester posts, trying to force the ball over the whitewash only to be thwarted twice by some excellent defensive bravery as the boys flung their bodies into tackles and wrestled to hold the ball up and prevent the try - more fine work by Manchester’s forwards. manchester broke creatively getting the ball from their own touch line with a neat set of passes to a position where they were attacking deep into the home side’s half. Unfortunately the move broke down and back came Wilmslow, once again using the width of the pitch well to finally run the ball over the line in the corner.

Once again Manchester fought hard and wrestled control of the match. Our boys went for the Wolves at full pelt, forcing Wilmslow to battle hard in an attempt to stop us from scoring. We were constantly getting over the gain line only to meet some determined challenges from the home team. This sustained pressure had to pay off at some point but they just couldn’t break through Wilmslow’s well-drilled lines and it was Wilmslow who, once again, found a route around our outside with two break away tries, which were well converted by their kicker.

Then what we were waiting for. A smart pick up and go saw a Manchester player gather the ball and sprint down the line, past the crowd of cheering Manchester parents to score beneath the posts to deservedly (at last) put some points on the board - and with the resulting conversion attempt made the score looked a bit more respectable at the final whistle.

Stats for the second half are as follows: Manchester once again didn’t kick the ball whilst Wilmslow kicked twice. Both sides had a lineout each which both conspired to lose. We had two scrums, winning them all, whilst Wilmslow were awarded one, which they won. We had one penalty but the home side weren’t awarded any. Stats showed that in this first period the ball got out to the wing just three times but there were only two breakdowns, with no knock-ons.

FINAL SCORE
Wilmslow 36 Manchester 7

VERDICT
In terms of possession we bossed it. After the debacle of the first try in the opening minutes of the game, Wilmslow never got through the middle of our defence and for that our forwards deserve a massive pat on the back. It was noticeable that the team was rucking so much better than in recent games - they still need to get quicker, but it’s coming!

We lost but we’re proud of you!

A massive well done to both sides who each played with heart and soul but more importantly devil and skill. And I suspect, despite what the score said, both Manchester and Wilmslow know that they had been in a tough match at the end.