THE ONE WHERE THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN FINALLY REACHES ASHTON

Oh come on!” I yelled. I’d just reached the crucial bit in J. Vacelet and E. Duport’s seminal study: “Prey capture and digestion in the carnivorous sponge Asbestopluma hypogea (Porifera: Demospongiae)” where they reveal how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges, when I’m told it’s my turn to watch the rugby. “Just how crappy is my life?” I sighed, pouring the last of the 1981 Henri Jayer Richebourg Grand Cru, Cote de Nuits on my Frosties.

I was already absolutely furious that millions of pounds of Children In Need money has been spent on guns, alcohol and tobacco, stuff I wasn’t allowed any of as a kid when I slammed the front door and angrily drove off in search of a shop that stocked white truffle cream cheese and goji berry infused Riesling jelly for my toast. I’d only gone 100 yards when my new Bonnie Tyler Satnav started playing up again. It keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.

WHO WOULDN’T WANT A BATTERY OPERATED CELLULITE MASSAGER
What’s wrong with people these days? I’d driven past a sign pinned to a tree with a picture of a cat, asking if anyone had seen it. So I rang the number and told them I hadn’t, and they hung up. You know, civility costs nothing. And then it hit me, like one of Mrs Statto’s swan dives from on top of the wardrobe, no wonder everyone’s on such a short fuse - the Christmas Doomsday Clock has reached T minus 24 days. We've had Black Friday, tomorrow will be ‘Cyber Monday’ quickly followed by ‘Broke and on my arse Thursday’. So, pausing only to help a stranded collie, (honestly, the dogs in my area are so clumsy! that’s another one I’ve had to untangle from a post outside the newsagents) I finally got back home and embarked upon the journey towards universal disappointment that is halfheartedly looking through Amazon in a bid to buy something appropriate for a female. Somewhere, buried deep within the furthest recesses of my mind I vaguely recalled last year’s present of Wicks vouchers being frowned upon... In fact I’m more concerned about how Richard Dawkins is going to react when he finds out I’m giving one of his books, The Blind Watchmaker, to Stat 2.0 for a Christmas present. Dawkins is his third favourite scientist after Brian Cox and Doctor Who.

VINTAGE BINTAGE
Oh! Before I forget - gentle reminder ladies. Start simmering your resentment for Christmas now. Apparently some experts are even urging Britons to begin preparing their festive arguments no later than 5pm today - those bubbling pots of grudge won’t stir themselves! Leaving it all to the last-minute can lead to unsatisfying, snippy arguments and staring out the window.

I rolled up at the ground. If Ken Loach had been tasked with re-imagining ‘The Andromeda Strain’ as a gritty, northern, kitchen sink socia-drama this would be his crowning triumph. A number of the lads had succumbed to a virus. (probably space-born and carried to earth on the U.S. Army satellite Scoop VII) So it was a rag-tag team of relatively plague-free-ish boys who made the trip over to Ashton-under-Lyne and took to the field.

FIRST HALF
It started brightly enough. Manchester kicked off and traded some good, hard tackles with the opposition for control in the centre of the pitch, winning a scrum. The ball was fed out sharply to the wings through a series of swift passes. The early pressure paid off when a loose ball was picked up and through another passage of fine passes, found it’s way to a waiting Manchester player to sprint down the line and manage to score just to the side of the posts. The conversion effort went agonisingly close as the ball hit the upright and bounced clear.

Unbowed, back came Ashton, driving forward, and it was only strong defending and tackles deep in their own half that managed to keep them from drawing level. The boys weathered that storm and broke free midway through the half to force another scrum out on the wing. Winning this, the ball was fed to an on-coming Manchester player who ran down the centre before being well tackled. Manchester continued to look for another try and a lovely set of passes took them to within a foot of the home side’s try line but the player was well held up and the move broke down when Ashton kicked the ball to safety.

We lost the momentum at this point and allowed Ashton back into the game to score a deserved try. Manchester kicked long from the kick off and forced a penalty. The ball was thrown out wide to an onrushing player who sped down the whitewash but was tackled just as the try line came into sight. Ashton broke free and scored their second try to take the lead just before half time.

Overall thoughts for this period were that this was a half of two halves. We started the better side but with a few players missed through illness and others dropping like flies the game soon started to run away from us. Add to the mix that Ashton are a strong, well drilled team who look to take all their chances and this was always going to be a hard morning!

Stats for this quarter are as follows: We had no lineouts whilst Ashton had three, winning two. We had four scrums, which we won, whilst Ashton were awarded two winning one of theirs. We had five penalties but the home team were given none. Stats showed that in this first period the ball got out to the wing seven times and there were nine breakdowns.

Ashton 10 Manchester 5

SECOND HALF
It began and continued much as the first half had ended. Ashton had the majority of the play, scoring early with another breakaway try which they converted while Manchester, through necessity, had to keep chopping and changing the line-up. Much credit goes to the lads who continued to win all their scrums and most of the home side’s with an ever-shifting pack, contesting well at the line outs (winning both Ashton’s) and trying, when given the chance to play rugby right back at the opposition! With almost the last set of plays of the match Manchester managed to get on the scoreboard once more with an opportunistic, quick sprint over the line to score with brought a cheer from the visiting parents.

Stats for this quarter are as follows: We had no lineouts whilst Ashton had two, losing both. We had seven scrums, which we won, whilst Ashton were awarded three winning one. We had four penalties to Ashton’s one. Stats showed that in this first period the ball got out to the wing five times and there were eleven breakdowns.

CONCLUSION
Time to get the sprouts on.