The one where Manchester tackles Kirby grips

Manchester vs Kirby Lonsdale
We were pleased to welcome the lads from Kirby Lonsdale down south for what was to be a competitive game. Kirby Lonsdale is a lovely town on the borders of the Lake District well known for many things including Devils Bridge where many bikers meet, and I have a vague recollection of something on tv about famous bacon butties from the vicinity. Can't remember whether it was The Hairy Bikers or The Two Fat Ladies that were sampling the local fare. We had our own version the latter with me and Jen on the touch line ( we both like a good bacon buttie and we know Jen is partial to a sausage or two although her dish du jour is fish. Just ask her!)
Anyhow, nice to have most of the squad back after a series of rugby sevens tournaments over the last few weeks. Will hand over to Statto for the important content about the game which was closely fought. As an aside, Statto was getting very excited about a programme on the Cosmos tonight so I am looking forward to some lunar and astrological ( or do I mean astronomical ?) references. I know plenty about astronomical things but more to do with John Lewis than Brian Cox. Note to self - mustn't get Statto and Russell Grant confused.

Thanks for that Steph. With regards to Russell Grant and myself, whilst it’s true that our rather rotund body shapes exert their own gravitational pull on nearby objects such as moons, meteors and man-eating middle-aged women with voracious wine habits, that’s where the similarity ends. As for astrology, that’s about as believable as when the wife told me on our first date, that she made her living as a ballet dancer, then went off to buy a round of drinks from a pint pot full of loose change.

Anyhow (and this makes me want to weep at the depth to which our wretched society has now irreversibly plumbed), I’m now contractually obliged to publish a horoscope alongside the match report. So, as a new stage in anger management, ‘rage incontinence’, is named after me, enjoy ‘Steph’s Heavenly Orbs of Wonder’, your personal guide to the week ahead.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
If it’s your birthday this week “Happy Birthday you!” But as you glance at the solitary birthday card perched precariously on the telly, it transforms into a gravestone marker in the unstoppable march towards mortality. Inside, the card reads “Well done on your physical deterioration.”

Kirby Lonsdale kicked off the first period. The ball went long into Manchester’s half and was well caught and carried down the flank towards the halfway line before pressure from the visitor’s defence saw the ball over the touchline. Manchester continued to try their luck out wide, searching for an opening and another good run, with a Manchester player crisply flinging the ball inside to a waiting team mate who made 20 metres deep into Kirby’s half almost created a chance early on, but once again, the opportunity was snuffed out by the visitor’s well drilled defence unceremoniously hauling him to the ground.
Then, from a ruck on one side of the pitch, Manchester recycled the ball in a series of sharp passes through soft hands to the other touchline, finally finding a sprinting player on the opposition 22 line, to hammer on through the opposition, dashing and swerving his way over the line to score. Unfortunately, strong pressure from the Kirby players around him meant that the resulting conversion attempt was from a difficult angle and the try went unconverted, falling just the wrong side of the uprights.

MANCHESTER 5 KIRBY LONSDALE 0

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
This week you discover that women with big bums live longer than men who mention it.

A ruck formed straight after the kick off with Kirby Lonsdale winning the ball and attacking. It took a great try saving tackle by a Manchester player to stop a jinxing opponent on the 22 yard line. Kirby were camped in the home side’s half, trying to find a bit of daylight in the defensive lines and winning a couple of scrums. Kirby looked like they were taking control as they looked to haul back Manchester’s early lead. Their pressure told in the end when one of their players burst through the Manchester ranks to ground the ball, leaving the kicker an easy chance for the conversion which he took.

MANCHESTER 5 KIRBY LONSDALE 7

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
A cluttered home leads to a cluttered mind. Luckily you’ve been burgled.

The game began a battle for territory in the centre of the pitch. Lots of carrying, lots of effort but not much reward. Manchester hit Kirby with a brace of bullocking runs but the visitors hit back with a couple of attacks of their own. It was punch and counter punch with both sides fighting for control of the turf. With the game finely balanced, Manchester worked through the phases from a turnover ball on the half way line. with a nice set of passes which released one of our speedy backs to sprint down the touchline, evading outstretched arms to score in the corner and restore the lead. Once again though the angle was to acute for any urther points to be added.

MANCHESTER 10 KIRBY LONSDALE 7

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Sometimes you miss your days as part of a plucky band of mystery-solving teens and a cowardly great dane, but hey, survivor guilt is like that.

It was all Manchester now thanks to that sportsman’s friend: momentum. The home side found a spark, an extra ounce of energy in the dying embers of the first half. Another cute series of passes, including one delightful one-handed pop pass, almost saw the home side increase their lead but again, determined work by the visitors stopped the move and the whistle blew.

HALF TIME
MANCHESTER 10 KIRBY LONSDALE 7

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Remember, it’s never too late to fall in love. It’s just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn’t a complete compromise based on a fear of dying alone.

Stats for this half are as follows: Manchester kicked the ball once whilst Kirby kicked twice. Manchester had no lineouts, whilst Kirby had one which they lost. We had one scrum, winning it, whilst Kirby were awarded four which they won. Neither team had any penalties. Stats showed that in this first period the ball got out to the wing seven times but there were seven breakdowns, with five knock ons.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
This week you’ll finally receive the £3000 compensation payout for your accident. And about time too! That little ratbag has cost you a fortune in smart phones and games consoles over the years.

Manchester kicked off. Kirby secured possession but some good pressure on their defence forced them into kicking the ball deep into the Manchester half. It was picked up by an onrushing player who flipped the ball to a waiting player to glide around several defenders, sidestepping his way over the try line to score under the posts. This time the kicker had slotted the ball over sublimely to add a couple more points to the scoreline.

MANCHESTER 17 KIRBY LONSDALE 7

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Your loneliness reaches new levels this week as you start your Amazon Third-Party Seller Feedback comment with “I was wondering whether you fancied a drink some time?”

Manchester lost a scrum from the kick off and Kirby capitalized, causing the home side problems and eventually forcing a knock-on. Taking full advantage they powered through the Manchester lines to score a try that their pressure fully deserved. Further points were added from the conversion.

MANCHESTER 17 KIRBY LONSDALE 14

Just as last week against Rochdale, both sides were having periods in the ascendency. Once again, after a period of fierce, snapping tackles in no-mans-land, it was Manchester who wrestled the initiative away from the visitors, when a home side player was on the receiving end of a series of sharp passes from one flank in towards the centre and made a fine, darting solo run down through the massed ranks of Kirby to dot down. Great score. The pressure though was still on as the conversion kick went narrowly wide.

MANCHESTER 22 KIRBY LONSDALE 14

And again, back came Kirby! scoring after being camped in Manchester’s half for the final couple of minutes of the half but missing the conversion.

SECOND HALF TIME
MANCHESTER 22 KIRBY LONSDALE 19

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
If you’re going out on a date with a new man this week why not wear that really slinky number... You’ll look great going down the stairs.

Stats for this second half are as follows: Whilst Manchester didn’t kick, Kirby kicked once. Manchester had one lineouts, which they lost, whilst Kirby had none. We had two scrums, winning one, whilst Kirby were also awarded two which they won. Manchester were given two penalties to Kirby’s four. Stats showed that in this second period the ball got out to the wing three times but there were four breakdowns, with two knock ons.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You’ll take a long trip on a luxurious passenger train and meet a diverse group of travellers, all of whom will later collaborate to murder you.

The last period started with a lot of scrappy play in the centre of the pitch as both teams vied for dominance. Manchester almost increased their slender lead when a player broke free down the right flank but was well marshalled. There was really no shape to this half with both sides contributing to messy play time! It was Kirby Lonsdale, though, who got their act together the quickest, pouncing to score and take the lead for the second time that morning. Fortunately for the home side the conversion kick just missed!

MANCHESTER 22 KIRBY LONSDALE 24

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
You don’t suffer from stress. You’re a carrier.

From the kick off a Manchester player ripped the ball and from the turnover set in motion a series of passes down the line to the left flank for a team mate to race down the whitewash, forcing his way through tackles to scramble over the try line in the corner. Great determined run. Once again though, the angle was impossible for the kicker to add to the scoreline.

MANCHESTER 27 KIRBY LONSDALE 24

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Due to the crippling austerity measures, Aquarius no longer exists. You are now a Pisces.

This try galvanized the home side and they soon added more points on the board when a Manchester player in a carbon copy move to the last try gathered the ball cleanly at the end of a set of passes spanning the width of the pitch, to sprint down the opposite flank and score just inside the corner flag, again the acute angle would have made Leigh Halfpenny weep! This match went down to the wire but Manchester managed to survive a final onslaught by the visitors and ended the game victorious.

THIRD HALF TIME
MANCHESTER 32 KIRBY LONSDALE 24

Stats for this third half are as follows: Neither side felt any inclination to kick. Manchester had no lineouts, whilst Kirby had three, winning one. We had two scrums, winning one, whilst Kirby were also awarded four, winning three of them. Manchester were given no penalties to Kirby’s five. Stats showed that in this final period the ball got out to the wing six times but there were five breakdowns, with one knock on.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.

Thoughts on the match were that it was an ugly win, but a win’s a win and it was great that once again some of the newer players were getting a lot of valuable game time and played well. Many thanks to Kirby Lonsdale for an exciting end-to-end game. They were in there until the death and never rolled over. Well played boys.