Morning after the night before.

I had holed up at home with the ironing waiting for hubby to call and say that survivors of the ball had been found floating round the pitches on upturned tables with empty bottles and chicken legs. (Tell me about it Steph! My wife said the next time I pass out naked on the sofa, she's leaving me at DFS) However, got the message that there were no bodies on the pitches and that the games were on and by the time I got there, the sun was peeping through and even that did not have people cowering from the sunshine. Surprisingly fresh faced looking coaches and partners huddled under the team tent! Mind you, I think some of the sprouting facial hair (Movember?)was doing a good job of disguising any facial sagging. Not you of course, ladies. Touche éclat for us, eh? (Ladies - the Japanese use Nightingale poo as the main ingredient of a revitalizing facial. It's probably more caustic than the guff Yves Saint Laurent peddles to the gullible and therefore more effective as the skin ages. No need to thank me, I'm just happy to pass on any tips as I find them. Love Statto x)

Comments about rugby from our Statto as brain still snot filled and unable to process movements that are faster than a checkout operator so the matches just looked like a blur. Saw some flashes of dummies and good passing out wide with runs down the wing. Also went over to watch a bit of First Offspring on first team pitch so missed most of the game. So for the proper info over to Statto:

Don't know if I can be bothered to be honest Steph. I've been laid low at home since Tuesday, housebound and feeling miserable with myself. It might be that I go to work in the dark and return home in the dark, or it might be that right now my life would be an episode of Friends called ‘The One Where You Go An Entire Week Without Talking To Anybody Except The Guy On The Phone Trying To Sell You Loft Insulation’. It might also just possibly be that whilst the photo-fit wasn't perfect it's still a pretty good likeness… I’ve forgotten where I was going with this, but each week I fill these match reports with a literary phantasmagoria of rugby-esque sentences such as "Manchester got the opposition on the back foot", "stopping the attack at source", "smashing them around the fringes" and any other phrases I can lift from the current issue of Rugby World, and where is the recognition? I've just checked (again) and there's still no sign of my name in the BBC Sports Personality Of The Year shortlist, so jogging across the pitch during the Manchester Festival seems to have been a complete waste of time.

So dashing off my Christmas list to Santa (this year I've asked for the Mayan Calendar prophecy about the end of the world on 21st December to come true, which frankly has to be better than the gifts I got last year - A mirror with ‘Each Day I Die a Little More’ engraved on it for only £1.99 from B&M Bargains) I reluctantly begin to write...

MANCHESTER V BURY
Manchester kicked off and immediately Manchester got the opposition on the back foot, winning the first ruck of the morning, the ball was fed out to a waiting player who cut through the middle of the Bury defence to score. The second try was the result of a series of passes across the pitch eventually finding a runner on the touchline to bundle the ball over the try-line. Try three came straight from the kick off. The ball was cleanly gathered and passed sharply for the try scorer to stretch his legs and sprint half the length of the pitch to score. The fourth try was for me, at least, the move of the morning. For once the boys showed very quick hands, swiftly passing the ball along the line in a single fluid move. (Phil, can you organise the lads to practice this some more? It's very effective and being a Southerner your hands are more delicate than ours) The ball quickly found it's way to the touchline where a support player caught it cleanly and sprinted over the line. At various points in this move any one of our attackers could have tried for glory and attempted to crash through the Bury defence, but all showed great teamwork and an unselfish attitude. Try number five was (like the song of the same name, a mambo and jive dance song originally recorded and composed by Cuban Damaso Perez Prado in 1949 and sampled by Lou Bega in 1999) a fine solo effort. Beginning with a beautifully executed scissors move in the centre of the pitch which created space for the try scorer to exploit. The next try was started by a destructive crashing run, again down the middle of the park. When the Manchester player was held up he gave a nice little pop pass out to an on-rushing support player to score from a few yards out. The seventh and final try of the half was the result of a Manchester penalty which saw the try scorer crash through the Bury defence and over the line.

Half Time
Manchester 7 Bury 0

The second half began in a similar fashion with the eighth try of the game. A Manchester won scrum against the head in the far corner allowed the ball to reach the eventual try scorer through three quick passes. Try nine was a show of strength by Manchester. An aggressive rip saw the ball turned over on the opposition 22 yard line and then ran over. Try ten was the result of a well fixed final pass, delayed to perfection for the on-rushing player to catch neatly and blitz his way down the touchline from a few yards out. The final try of this match came in the dying seconds. Bury fumbled the ball close to their try line and the loose ball was scrambled over and grounded.

Stats for this match are as follows: We had no lineouts whilst Bury had three, losing two of them. Neither side kicked the ball. We had two scrums, winning both, whilst Bury were awarded five losing all of them. There was one penalty apeice. Stats showed that in this match the ball got out to the wing seven times and there were only two breakdowns.

Full Time
Manchester 11 Bury 0

MANCHESTER V SEDGLEY PARK
The visitors kicked off and the ball was soon forced over their line from a few yards out to give Manchester the lead. The second was a scrambled try over the line and the third was a nice move from a Manchester penalty.

Half Time
Manchester 3 Sedgley Park 0

The second half started in much the same fashion with all the play in the Sedgley half. From a Manchester penalty the try scorer burst his way through the visitors defence to score. Try five was a scrambled try over the line after a fine solo run and Try six was very similar, a determined run finishing with the try scorer forcing his way over the line to score.

Full Time
Manchester 6 Sedgley Park 0

Stats for this match are as follows: We had two lineouts which we won whilst Sedgley Park also had two winning one. Sedgley Park kicked the ball once. We had four scrums, winning all of them, whilst Sedgley were awarded one which they also won. There were six penalties awarded to Manchester and two to Sedgley. Stats showed that in this match the ball got out to the wing seven times and there were only two breakdowns.

The Steph Sum-Up
Again, the subtleties of the game eluded me today (mind you they do most days!). To me it looked like Manchester had the upper hand overall but SP worked hard and got increasingly frustrated as the match went on. SP put in some good tackles getting our wingers into touch but Manchester still usually managed to outpace them. Manchester kept their heads down and continued to work hard in the scrum and the rucks.

Overall, not a pretty day in terms of rugby (watching) as the conditions were cold and wet but the boys did the work they needed too and came out with 2 wins. Hurrah!