HOT PORK IN ROCHDALE.

Suzanne fancied some! And I must say that both the pork and the roast beef and onion baps sounded good. However, most of us mums made do with our usual sausages, being out of practice at getting our mouths round some real quality meat!

I digress somewhat but as you can tell the catering was good – my hot chocolate was lovely, and the clubhouse loos are fab.

Thanks Steph. I'm still buzzing from last weekend. Firstly, what a great result against Bowdon, one of Cheshire's finest sides at our age group. Then I discover it's my wedding anniversary, yay! go me! And to round things off, I've become a god - which was nice. A quick read through at what Stephs' and my own team of ghostwriters had cobbled together, revealed that somebody had elevated me to a status much higher than you lot, or words to that effect. (See 'Stopwatches, Seagulls and C. S. Lewis' Paragraph 5 lines 2-3) To be deified by someone, however batty or delusional, so soon into a new season must surely constitute as some sort of record.

To be honest, it's been a bit of a struggle adjusting and I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be a god of yet. I've never been worshipped to any great extent before - the closest I've come is the annual parading of my tarred and feathered effigy around the sleepy village of Broadbottom in Derbyshire (now in it's 26th year) before it's burnt on a huge bonfire, the ashes cursed, stamped upon and finally buried beneath the crossroads at midnight, so I'm not sure if that counts or not. Really, it doesn't matter how many times you say "Whoops! My bad!" some folks just won't let things go. However, if you ARE interested Bostocks Coaches run a day trip there which also takes in the Matlock Well Dressing Festival and a cream tea in Eyam (apparently it's so nice you'll never want to leave).

So, buoyed along on a rip-tide of new feelings that surged between vaguely benign and bored indifference towards mankind, I boarded the Statmobile with Mrs Statto, my oldest boy Stat 2.0 and his younger sibling, Beta Test. This would be the first time Manchester had played Rochdale since the last ice age ended in May. As we neared the town I gazed across to my right and saw columns of smoke rings rising from behind the purple-tinged hills. A dull, rhythmic thud filled the air - it was the sound of war drums along the Pennines. Was Yorkshire about to march on Diggle? Desperately I peered across at that benighted, desolate land. It was still stubbornly landlocked. My attempts to surround Yorkshire with water and return it to its natural 'Island of Doctor Moreau' state had failed. With a sigh I crossed 'God of Plate Tectonics' from my list.

We pulled into the clubs' car park and I quickly glanced at my family. "Are you up for this today 2.0?" I asked, noticing his face was a mix of utter concentration. "Will be in a minute Dad, I'm just bashing the bishop." He shouted back. That free chess app for the iPhone was proving to be a real boon for car journeys. Beta Test, on the other hand, was sporting a huge grin. He had recently discovered fiddling with knobs (as boys begin to do at his age), so, rather than risk giving him any hang-ups later on in his formative years I left him quite happily twiddling about with the car battery. Mrs Statto was still sat at the wheel, head in hands and sobbing inconsolably about all those "wasted, wasted years..." and something about how I "never list to anything port" and that "She's thinking of loving me." Weird. She's just had some sort of anniversary or other, you'd think she'd be happier. But who can honestly fathom the workings of a woman's mind? Indeed, the government has just released new figures which show attempts to decode twisted female logic are costing Britain £4.6 billion a year in lost productivity.

By the time I'd found the U12s pitch the air was fizzing with smut and innuendo. My paraprosdokian-tuned ears managed to filter out the words "Pork", "Bap" and "Sausage" from the background noise of "Fnarr! Fnarr!", "Warf! Warf!" and "K-Woo! K-Woo!". Eager to join in I said "Ladies! How do you like your eggs in a morning?" I was aurally assaulted by a cacophony of shouting as each Manchester U12s Mum tried to speak at once: "Poached", "Fried", "Deviled with shrimp and wasabi", "Scrambled with sun dried tomatoes and parmigiano reggiano don't move I've got the recipe in the car..." "No, no, no" I sighed "What I meant was..."

Five minutes later as I hobbled away, gingerly trying to locate where on my body they'd shoved the laser pointer, I made a mental note that if I ever tried to explain how brain volume is linked to intellect again then it's probably best not to do it as a Powerpoint presentation. Apparently I wasn't a Lord 'of all Salaciousness with shrines at the end of every seaside pier' or upon further reflection, 'tact'. Back to Steph at the Sports Desk.

The promised deluge was holding off so, after a good warm up, the boys were off.
FIRST QUARTER:

From the kick off Manchester dominated and the ball did not move much out of their bit for a good part of the match. The ref kept bringing the ball back but Manchester kept the pressure on and eventually got a try in. Rochdale were not allowed to move forward as Manchester put in tackle after tackle. However, Rochdale also kept Manchester back with determined tackling - this was turning out to be a tough game.

Hi Steph You're absolutely right. Manchester kicked off and although the game started quite scrappily, as our boys adjusted their usual expansive passing play to the narrow confines of the pitch. All the play was in the Rochdale half with Manchester forcing Rochdale into a number of handling errors and penalties. This sustained pressure had to pay off at some point and it did. In front of our loud, adoring fans, Manchester managed to put together a string of passes, offloading just as a tough tackle came in, finally finding a runner to scramble forcibly through a crowd of players to dot the ball over the line. These past two seasons Manchester have become a force at winning scrums against the head as well as their own. Last week against Bowdon and now at Rochdale, our boys showed they understand how big a part of the game the scrum is. It is a very real contest for possession and one Manchester U12s excel at. In this first quarter they drove the home side back twice allowing for quick balls out to waiting runners. Every player was "up for it", as parents we knew we were in for a treat of rugby. A very enjoyable, highly contested first period ended 1-0 to Manchester.
Stats for the quarter showed that neither side had any lineouts. We won our one scrum and both of Rochdales’. We were awarded three penalties with the home side getting none and Manchester managed to turn the ball over three times to Rochdales' none.

SECOND QUARTER:

A repeat of the first quarter but no try for either side as they both kept each other back from scoring. Not many notes for this section as was doubled up laughing at George B’s comment that his dad used to have a head that was covered with hair but now only has an island. This was checked later and found be to an accurate comment.( it’s a lovely island Phil!)

Indeed Steph. Once again the vast majority of the play was concentrated in the Rochdale half. Our boys quickly got into their stride, forcing Rochdale to battle hard in an attempt to stop us from scoring. We were constantly getting over the gain line only to meet some determined challenges from the home team. Although the boys continued to hammer on deep into opposition territory there was no further score in this quarter. Although this passage of play produced few real opportunities to put points on the board I feel there was a real edge to our game and a great desire to play rugby.
Stats for this quarter are as follows: We had no lineouts whilst Bowdon had three which they won. We had one scrum awarded which we won and we also won Rochdales’ solitary one. Once again we got three penalties with Rochdale being awarded one. Manchester managed to turn the ball over twice to Rochdales’ once.

THE HUNG, DRAWN AND QUARTERED QUARTER:

Manchester scored straight from the kick off and then quickly ran in a couple more tries. Rochdale were getting frustrated by this stage and some penalties were awarded. All team members were putting the effort in against a big side on a narrow pitch which didn’t really allow for fast play. Some runs down the sideline were attempted but often thwarted at the last minute. Rick commented on the good passages of play that the boys still managed despite the proximity of the opposition.

You said it sister! Total domination this half. From the kick off the ball was speedily chased down with the Manchester player making a great one man rolling maul to eventually turn the ball over for a support player to force the ball over the line. The opposition continued to make it hard for us but Manchesters' faithful were still treated to one or two surging attacks which cut superb lines through the home sides' defence, creating spaces for runners hungry for the pass. The second try came after a series of passes by Manchester finally managed to see the ball grounded over the try line. In complete contrast the last try of this period was a fine, surging solo run which saw the try scorer jinx his way through the opposition defence to score in the far corner.

The score in this section was 3 to Manchester, 0 to Rochdale.

Stats for this quarter are as follows: Neither side had any lineouts. We had no scrums awarded but we won three of Rochdales’ five. We got one penalty to Rochdales' none. Manchester managed to turn the ball over three times to the home sides’ once.

FOURTH QUARTER:

Another tough quarter and Manchester managed 1 try – don’t know what off but Statto will have the detail if he hasn’t managed to wrap himself up in sheets of paper and computer programmes working out to the 60th decimal point what the trajectory of the ball was from kick off!

Good question Steph. When a ball or any other object is projected through the air it will follow a curved trajectory until it hits the ground. The trajectory can be calculated easily if we ignore air resistance and assume that the only force acting on the ball is that due to gravity. The acceleration due to gravity is g = 9.8 m/s^2 and the vertical force F acting on a ball of mass m is given by F = mg. In that case, the horizontal speed of the ball through the air remains constant since there is no horizontal force on the ball. Gravity acts only in the vertical direction. Hope that helps.

Game-wise it was a lot closer, with Rochdale threatening to score a couple of times only to be held up by some excellent defensive work by our forwards, but their pressure was telling as we were forced to kick the ball once. The goal when it came fell to Manchester. Space (as it had been all game) was at a premium, but a well worked passing move across the pitch finally found a lurking back to take the ball at pace, breaking through the line of Rochdale defenders and score in the far corner. A good day at the office was completed as we managed to keep the hosts from scoring themselves.

Stats for this quarter are as follows: We kicked the ball once, which Rochdale didn't. We had one lineout which was won to Rochdales' none. We had no scrums awarded and Rochdale won their one. We were awarded two penalties to Rochdales' one. Manchester managed to turn the ball over twice to the home sides’ none.
Anyhow – final score was 5 to Manchester, 0 to Rochdale. Rochdale were a tough side and never gave up and gave us a good game. Thanks for their hospitality (and especially the hot pork!)

POSTSCRIPT

Back home I finally found out that I am 'The God of Small Things' which my wife says she can quite believe.