BOYS BEAT BOWDON IN BRILLIANT BOND STYLE BONANZA (INSPIRED BY REAL EVENTS)

Barzini is dead. So is Phillip Tattallgia. Moe Green. Slacci. Cuneo. Today I settled all family business. Oh, and I also signed up for one of those organic nut and berry deliveries. They just send you whatever’s in season. Sounds great.
Summer lies dead on the ground, spring is a distant glimmer on the horizon and in between is just a barren, frozen wasteland of dark mornings and biting arctic winds that seek out all life and kill it. Still, at least there's Bargain Hunt from Lincoln on BBC One. I'm sitting here "pondering" at my favourite writing desk, on the day Britain remembers failed astronaut Guy Fawkes, and it occurs to me that sometimes life really does imitate art. (Though not like this week, when everyone I met was an irritant with balding, curly hair, singing Bridge Over Troubled Water) I mean of course, that we at Manchester are proud to have in our midst one of the original Bond Girls. Steph appeared alongside Sean Connery in the 1962 classic, Dr No, as Honey Ryder, a local shell diver.

So when the offers of sponsorship for this week's match report came in on the back of the memorable win at Winnington Park, it made perfect sense to sell what little journalistic integrity we had left to Albert "Cubby" Broccolli and Eon Productions, makers of the latest Bond movie, "Skyfall", who, in a lazy and altogether predictable way, have tried to associate the film with some real life guts and glory. I've not read much about this movie, but I'm guessing from the title that Chicken Little has gone rogue.

Even now, decades later, Steph's daily routine is still one long high-speed car chase through the narrow cliff-top lanes of the Italian lakes after another, tetchy meetings with M, punch-ups, some shooting, more punch-ups, a bit of gouging, M again, another car chase, some shooting, an explosion and prevent a plot to wipe out the world's population, before calling it a night with some weird goings-on in a space shuttle that's splashed down in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and a wry smile. Steph - Rhys, my commute to Salford on the M60 can get a bit hairy at times and I do have some tetchy meetings, the shootings and gouging generally are home based but there are no wry smiles after “goings-on” – those are pained grimaces.
I carefully stepped over the prostrate forms of the Manchester U12s Mums who, temporarily off the sauce due to this country's insane licensing laws, were unable to mentally process reality and were already very agitated and confused. I recognised one of the dominant female in the hierarchy, who in a moment of rare lucidity last season, taught me nest-building, which is an important skill for those times when they've lost their house keys or forgotten what area they live in and can't break into any sheds for the night. So they construct arboreal night nests by lacing together branches from one or more trees. It consists of a 'mattress' of bendy branches, supported on a strong foundation, and lined above with soft leaves and twigs, and are built in trees with a minimum diameter of 16 ft and may be located at a height of between 9.8 to 148 ft. Day nests are also built, depending on the availability of drink at lunchtime. These nests our U12s Mums build may also serve another purpose. I found when I tried one as part of my doctoral thesis that they helped keep my temperature up. I'd noticed that Manchester's Mums build a warmer nest on a colder night, which supports my theory that these beds have a thermoregulatory function. I also got bitten less in the nest than whilst down on the ground, so they may help protect against diseases carried by insect bites, such as malaria.

There was a flicker of recognition in those red, rheumy eyes so I took a chance. "You know that alcohol isn’t always the answer" I said. Her pupils dilated angrily. "Unless the question is ‘Why is there no room in your fridge for a pint of milk?"

Hiding behind Phil, who would guide me through 'Balls, Wings and Breakdowns' (something I'd thought I'd left behind me years ago) I steadied my nerves and waited for the match to start.

FIRST QUARTER
Manchester kicked off and started in familiar fashion, making some great runs and determined to go over the line. This early pressure saw a home player crash through the Bowdon defence, leaving it in pieces to score. It looked ominous for the visitors, but, unbowed, back came Bowdon, driving forward, and it was only strong defending and tackles that managed to keep them from drawing level. From a lost Bowdon lineout, the ball was fed to an on-coming Manchester player who ran across the pitch before cutting in and scoring in the corner. Manchester continued to look for another try and it duly came with another crash by a determined player, forcing his way through the middle of the visitor's defence.
Overall thoughts for this period were that the attacking play was expansive, getting the ball out to the wings more than in recent weeks which stretched the opposition defence on a number of occasions. Manchester were very solid in defence when called upon, tackling well and not giving an inch, which is a feature of their game so far this season.
Stats for this quarter are as follows: We had no lineouts whilst Bowdon had two, losing both. We had one scrum, which we won, whilst Bowdon were awarded three winning all of theirs. We had no penalties but the visitors were given one. Stats showed that in this first period the ball got out to the wing six times and there was only one breakdown.

Manchester 3 Bowdon 0

SECOND QUARTER
From the Bowdon kick off the ball is caught cleanly and the Manchester player makes a great run, hugging the touchline before feeding the ball back across the pitch for a support player to score in the far corner. Our boys were enjoying some real territorial advantage with some great play ensuing, fabulous rucking by the home side, but in particularly there was a delightful pop pass to an on-rushing player which was well defended at the last by the Bowdon defence who kicked possession away superbly and cleared their lines. The rest of the half was very evenly contested with attack and counter attack making for a good spectacle of rugby.
Overall thoughts for this period were that early on Manchester established control and started to dominate possession and territory, but Bowdon fought back hard to make it a very even quarter, forcing Manchester into a number of errors, which but for some excellent tackles they would have scored from.
Stats for this quarter are as follows: We had one lineout which we won whilst Bowdon had two, winning both. We had no scrums, whilst Bowdon were awarded two winning one. We had two penalties to the visitors none. The ball got out to the wing four times and there were three breakdowns.

Manchester 1 Bowdon 0

THIRD QUARTER
Again the early pressure came from the home side who managed to score a scrambled try from an uncontested scrum where we had the put in. Manchester were desperate to score again but it wasn't to be. Bowdon kept knocking at the door and eventually scored a deserved equalizer.
Overall thoughts - The big positive is that Manchester were continuing to create opportunities, but have to be more clinical near the opposition try line, perhaps drawing the man before passing rather than continuing to try and bulldoze their way through a tight defence.

Stats for this quarter are as follows: We had no lineouts whilst Bowdon had one which they won. We had no scrums, whilst Bowdon were awarded one winning it. We had no penalties to the visitors one. The ball got out to the wing four times and there were no breakdowns.

Manchester 1 Bowdon 1

FOURTH QUARTER
This last quarter started as the last one had ended with some fine displays of rugby from both sides. Once again though it was Manchester who were to make the breakthrough. A superb throw at our lineout reached a player lurking at the back who produced a fine solo run to crash his way through some Bowdon bodies to score. Bowdon leveled then from a spilled Bowdon pass, the ball was intercepted by a Manchester player who span beautifully to find the space and score.
Overall thoughts - Once again the defence worked well but couldn't do anything about the fast pace of the Bowdon try scorer. We seemed to forget our expansive play in this period, however.

Stats for this quarter are as follows: We had one lineout which we won whilst Bowdon had none. We had three scrums all of which were won, whilst Bowdon were awarded one losing it. We had no penalties to the visitors two. The ball got out to the wing once and there were two breakdowns.

Overall thoughts for the match: The defensive work was superb but the boys need to work at securing the ball at the ruck better. Only commit enough players to win the ball. Overall there were many positives to come out of this match which have been worked on in training and are now being seen out there on the pitch. Great committed performance by the boys. Well done.

Manchester 2 Bowdon 1

Final Score Manchester 7 Bowdon 2

Steph Lewis will next appear in 'From Ormskirk With Love'.