Derby Day! – Sunday 6th Jan

There follows a fantastic match report from Statto. The Xmas break has obviously recharged his batteries. However, those of us without a Y chromosome enter 2013 frazzled and fraught after organising presents for offspring, partners, family (including those we have no genetic material in common with), doing battle in the crammed aisles of Tesco, Sainsburys and Morrisons in search of pigs in blankets( harder than it sounds - I could hear the squeals but could I find any?), planning menus, cleaning the back of the cupboards and the cutlery drawer in case the mother in law pokes her nose inside it and trawling John Lewis, the Trafford Centre, and most of the north of England for " the " item of clothing that will transform us into a glamorous, elegant woman of indeterminate age who oozes charm, sexiness, witty conversation and who just " knocked together" the Christmas meal for 20 as well as making personal placecards for everyone and planning a treasure hunt for the little ones. Well, that was my Christmas......

Glad to see Statto's collective nouns for Manchester mums includes " an elegance of... ". Those lessons on deportment from Ann Widdecombe have obviously paid off!

Interesting to see that Statto has included a value for money index in this report. In these times of austerity we are all looking for value for money. Where else other than Manchester Rugby Club can you find such a wide variety of culture, mud, hormones and entertainment – and all for the price of a half a lager for Jen!!!

Anyhow – over to the Maestro!

“If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?” (Anonymous, presumed dead)

What a day! Hoovering, dusting, polishing – how’s a man supposed to nap when his wife’s doing all that? I vocalised this thought to Mrs Statto who gave me one of her looks - it’s the one she gives me when she’s conscious - where she weighs up my life expectancy against my the expiration date of my life insurance and, using a slide rule, works out her marital bliss index.

Like many men of ‘a certain age’ my wife doesn’t understand me. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy and I could say something brilliant at any moment. My latest “something brilliant” had me reflecting ruefully later, as I limped down the mud caked stoney path which runs along the side of the stadium, that while few testicles have reflectional symmetry and even fewer rotational symmetry, women still persist with their painful experiments.

As the rest of England becomes permanently flooded, our webbed fingers have put us ahead of the evolutionary curve, so we were able to rearrange the away fixture against Stockport for the mangroves of Manchester’s Grove Park.

Until recently there were only two sorts of elegance: Indian elegance and African elegance. Now, thanks to threats to the Oxford English Dictionary and a suicide bombing on Countdown, there are three. It was good to see that the ‘Elegance’ of Manchester U12s Mums had started the year as they meant to go on – bilious, drunk, surrounded by chocolate and out-of-date mince pies. High-five ladies! Just remember to make 2013 the year you pillage BEFORE you burn.

And so I stood, outwardly a rock amid a sea of human flotsam and jetsam, whilst inside I frantically tried to reboot my brain to ‘Rugby Mode’ but each time my neural pathways led me straight back to the ‘Charlize Theron’ default setting. (I have long been a critic of intelligent design on the basis it sounds like the kind of explanation a four year-old might give as to why the living room walls are covered in crayon. But to say a bum like hers could have happened by genetic accident is just mental)

FIRST QUARTER
Stockport kicked off and all the early play was in the Manchester half. It took a few minutes for the home side to get into the game but when they did they produced some of the best moves seen this year, even the forwards were playing quick, intelligent rugby (astonishing when you consider that in traditional rugby parlance they’re seen as “great blokes, but not ones you’d want to see working with subatomic particles.”) The first try came from a series of fine passes across the width of the pitch, eventually finding a waiting Manchester player out on the wing to scramble over the try line for the first five pointer. By now Manchester were absolutely rampant and the second try came soon after. Manchester won a scrum against the head and the ball was fed into the centre of the pitch to a Manchester back who cut back and crashed through the Stockport defence to score in the corner. The last try of the quarter came from a won Manchester scrum. The ball carrier looked like he was going all the way but drew a couple of defenders in the corner before flicking a lovely offload to a team mate who crashed over the touchline from a couple of yards out. A lovely timed pass.

Thoughts for this period were that after a slow start, Manchester quickly got into their stride and the attacking play was very impressive, the boys managed to get the ball out to the wings a number of times which stretched the opposition defence and created opportunities to score.

Stats for this quarter are as follows: Manchester didn’t kick the ball whilst Stockport kicked once. We had no lineouts whilst Stockport had one which they won. We had two scrums, which we won, whilst Stockport were also awarded two, losing both. Both sides had a penalty each. Stats showed that in this first period the ball got out to the wing five times with only one breakdown.

VALUE FOR MONEY: CARNIVAL TIME IN RIO.

Manchester 3 Stockport 0

SECOND QUARTER
Manchester kicked off and what a kick, deft and just the right strength to cause the Stockport player to carry it into touch for a Manchester lineout. Wonderful play, and we prepared ourselves for another quarter of 100mph scintillating rugby from the boys. Sadly not to be. From playing as a team Manchester reverted to playing as individuals, passes out wide being sacrificed for crashing runs down the middle that were well tackled by Stockport’s strong defence. The solitary try in this period came (as it would) from a nice series of passes from the touchline into the centre where a player used the momentary gap in the visitor’s defensive lines to run through and score. At some point over Christmas I showed Mrs Statto my belly. As I proudly patted my six-pack she correctly pointed out that I still lacked the plastic thingy which held it all together. This, in a very real metaphorical sense, is how this quarter felt.

Thoughts for this period were that although much of the play in this quarter was played in the Stockport half we created very little real chances, if we’d played more creatively and spread the ball we may have had more reward but this shouldn’t take anything away from a fine defensive display by Stockport.

Stats for this quarter are as follows: Manchester didn’t kick the ball whilst Stockport kicked once. We had three lineouts which we won whilst Stockport had none. We had no scrums whilst Stockport were awarded four, winning three. Neither side had a penalty. Stats showed that in this second period the ball got out to the wing twice with no breakdowns.

VALUE FOR MONEY: BLACKPOOL. IN FEBRUARY. IN THE RAIN.

Manchester 1 Stockport 0

THIRD QUARTER
Same as the second quarter, just not as good. Stockport deservedly scored first - they’d put a lot into the game and the try was a testament to that. There was a lot of hard work put in by both packs with neither giving an inch and it looked like Stockport would hold on to the lead in this period. But after a won Manchester scrum the ball was scrambled over the line after a strong run by the try scorer to level.

Thoughts for this period were that Manchester didn’t change the style of play from the last quarter and Stockport were able to deal with the predictable play.

Stats for this quarter are as follows: Manchester didn’t kick the ball whilst Stockport kicked once. Neither side had any lineouts. Both had four scrums, each winning three of their own. Manchester had two penalties to Stockport’s one. Stats showed that in this third period the ball got out to the wing once with no breakdowns.

VALUE FOR MONEY: DANTE’S THIRD CIRCLE OF HELL. In the third circle, you find yourself amidst eternal rain, maledict, cold, and heavy. The gluttons are punished here, lying in the filthy mixture of shadows and of putrid water. Because you consumed in excess, you meet your fate beneath the cold, dirty rain, amidst the other souls that there lay unhappily in the stinking mud. Cerebus, a canine monster cruel and uncouth with his three heads and red eyes, dwells in this level. He growls and tears at the damned with his teeth and claws.

Manchester 1 Stockport 1

FOURTH QUARTER
Another great kick off from Manchester and this time we applied the pressure straight away. The first try of the period came when a loose ball was snatched up from a ruck by a waiting Manchester player who ran half the length of the pitch to score in the corner. The second, and last try of the morning was the result of great pressure put on the Stockport defence at a ruck on their own try line. The ball was picked up, unusually, by two Manchester players who managed to force their way over the line to score.

Thoughts for this period were that Manchester managed to play themselves someway back to the heights of the first quarter. Whilst never reaching this level, as the ball still stayed resolutely in the middle centre of the pitch, they improved on the previous two periods. A measure of their improvement could be seen in the number of kicks out of defence that Stockport made.

Stats for this quarter are as follows: Manchester didn’t kick the ball whilst Stockport kicked five times. Stockport had a solitary lineout whilst we had none. Manchester had one scrum which they won, whilst Stockport had two which they also won. Manchester had two penalties to Stockport’s none. Stats showed that in this fourth period the ball got out to the wing once with no breakdowns.

VALUE FOR MONEY: MURKY GOINGS ON IN MACHYNLLETH, MID-WALES Circa 1986

FINAL SCORE
Manchester 7 Stockport 1

Many thanks for Stockport for a well contested match that was closer than the score suggests