MARK’S THREESOME PUTS THE ROMANCE BACK INTO RUGBY

With Mark organising a three-way set of matches, inviting both Sale Scorpions and Ashton-under-Lyne down to Grove Park during Valentines week, some thoughts on love seemed appropriate...

“Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
due to pigments known as anthocyanins.”

“When giving a gift of flowers or equivalent, reassure the recipient that they won’t have to pay for them. For example hand over chocolates and say ‘these are free’, then a card and say ‘that’s free too’.”

“Sympathetic passes are a sure-fire way to cop off with the recently bereaved.” (Steve Mulvey)

“It’s not unusual for a doctor to ask for a stool sample but it is generally considered bad form if they do it on a first date.”

“So after he proposed to me, Statto went off in search of more alcohol to celebrate and found a crate of Budweiser. Disappointed, he necked four tins of Homepride White Wine Cook in Sauce instead and gargled “Arrival of the Queen of Sheba”, by G. F. Handel...” (Mrs Statto)

February 14th 2013
With the wife and daughter in Portsmouth, one molesting marine life, the other marines, I found myself for the first time in months able to continue my research into Loop Quantum Gravity to provide a framework for nonperturbative quantization of diffeomorphism-invariant gauge theories for the average man-in-the-street, without someone pointing out, tiresomely, that: “you’ve been sick on yourself again”, or “you shouldn’t be asleep in that bush”. But first I had to wade through the ocean of love that had appeared on my carpet.

Delving deeply into the pile of valentine cards and offers of love that I receive annually, I found one from a seemingly wonderful woman who described herself as “kind and funny and loving”. The only thing is she’s in jail for armed robbery and aggravated assault. I was suddenly faced with a dilemma, cut all ties with my family or let her go. I weighed up “shameful things in return for jewellery” against the fact that my wife looks after me to a good standard, and always cooks my tea and irons my shirts. To be honest, it wasn’t a hard decision to make, but I am worried that it might be hard to shake off some of my younger children.

Sensing a decrease in life awfulness I checked my emails. Steph had managed to compose the match report. “Right!” I said “I’ve got my jammy bottoms on, I’ve got my Wotsits and my big bottle of Diet Fanta... Go for it, Steph!”

Steph says:
Sadly no e-mails of morning glories to report. No sign of Cox either. Hey ho. For those a little confused please refer to the last match report. More drizzle for Sunday morning and cold too. So as there are no new meteorological phenomena to discuss I shall resort to the news and the ongoing saga of various sorts of DNA in burgers and other such delicacies. Best gag was supplied by my other half. “What do you want on that burger? “ “a fiver each way!” I liked that one.
Other items in the news this week is that too much TV viewing leads to reduced sperm production. Viewing figures for the 6 nations will drop dramatically on the back of that information (Only if you’re watching England Steph - Statto). For those off on hols this half term to exotic places like Morecambe, look out for lumps of whale vomit on the beaches. A 6lb lump found there last week is thought to be worth £100000. For those not in the know, it is also called ambergris and is used in perfume production. (Hi Steph - just sticking on the marine life news for a second, did you see the article in Nature magazine about the sea slug that can detach its penis at will. Scientists believe that the sea slug evolved its disposable penis as a defence mechanism, as predators assumed anything willing to rip its own genitals off was going to put up quite a fight. Imagine the England rugby players doing that as a challenge to the New Zealand Haka, though it would probably go pear shaped as they immediately dumped them in pints of beer and downed the lot in one to “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”. With that thought, back to you...)

MATCH ONE - SALE SCORPIONS
Steph noted between swigs of G+T:
Don’t know whether there was any whale vomit on the pitches and difficult to tell on Sunday in the conditions, all muddy and quaggy. Best not to know really. Was a tad late getting there so missed kick off against Sale scorpions but saw some lovely fast work despite the conditions. The game seemed to have plenty of flowing passes and some great manoeuvres and unselfish, strategic rugby. Statto can take over on the detail now...

Thanks Steph can’t add much apart from details about the tries.
TRY ONE Straight from the Sale kick off Manchester attacked. One player was held up by the Sale defence but he managed to offload a lovely pop pass to a waiting team mate. The ball was fed across the pitch in a series of four passes, until finally it reached an on-rushing Manchester player who, finding a gap, sprinted between two opposition players. Unselfishly he made a short pass out to the wing for another player to score from a couple of yards out, unopposed. TRY TWO In the end a scrappy, scrambled try after some hard work had been put in by the Manchester forwards, engulfing Sale to win a ruck close to the visitors try line. TRY THREE Some fine passing once again covering the width of the pitch released a Manchester player to score in the corner with a lovely solo run. TRY FOUR Manchester sweep the ball swiftly from left to right, including one glorious scissors move, finally finding a team mate, who was sprinting down the flank to make a triumphant dash for the line. TRY FIVE Some fine supportive play by the whole team, cranking up the pace and the power as they put tremendous pressure on Sale’s defence, resulted in a drive for the line and another score. TRY SIX Another sublime solo try as a Manchester player, side-stepping gloriously, ghosted between two Sale defenders to score.

Half Time:
MANCHESTER 6 SALE SCORPIONS 0

Manchester kicked off for the second half and it was immediately clear that they’d taken half a foot (sounds like a plot summary from ‘Jaws’) off the accelerator. All the play was messy and condensed in the middle in the opening minutes, though Manchester’s forwards were still putting in a shift with some heavy, crunching tackles. Increasingly it looked like we were going to score and TRY SEVEN came from the ball being stolen from the opposition at a ruck and recycled well to a waiting player who hammered his way through the Sale defence to score in the far corner. TRY EIGHT came straight from the kick off. The ball was gathered well by Manchester and a series of cross-field passes found it’s way to the far touchline for a Manchester player to gallop down the line unopposed to score. TRY NINE came late in the game. Manchester won a scrum against the head, the ball was fed out towards the centre of the pitch for a player to catch it and run through the defence and touch the ball down.

We won this match quite convincingly, but my praise must also go to Sale Scorpions, whose players played throughout without ever letting their heads go down. Great work fellas!

Stats for this match are as follows: We had no lineouts whilst Sale had two, winning one. We had no scrums, whilst Sale were awarded six winning five. We had one penalty but the visitors were given two. Stats showed that in this match the ball got out to the wing three times and there were six breakdowns.

FINAL SCORE
MANCHESTER 9 SALE SCORPIONS 0

MATCH ONE - ASHTON-UNDER-LYNE
Steph’s obscured view from behind the bacon butty:
Next up were Ashton. Although the boys lost narrowly, this game demonstrated great improvement in mental strength and commitment. The first half had finished 4-1 to Ashton with some great tries put in by speeding down the pitch with no Manchester players able to catch them. However, Manchester boys did great in the second half and came back with determination. They did not drop their heads which was great to see. They played some great rugby against strong opposition and the game ended just a few metres from Manchester try line with the score at Ashton 5 and Manchester 4. Oh for another minute of play! Hey ho. The team can take away the fact that they have strength of spirit to draw on in future encounters from how they handled the second half of this game. Well done boys.

Lovely summing up there, Steph. Again I’ll add some detail to the tries. The first half was very scrappy to begin with. We managed to score a scrambled try after winning a ruck, but after that the half belonged to Ashton. Ashton are a great team and they ran four tries in against us by doing the core skills well, which we didn’t and defending excellently against us.

HALF TIME
MANCHESTER 1 ASHTON-UNDER LYNE 4

I will hold my hands up at this point. I watched the boys trudge off the pitch at half time looking shell-shocked. I turned to a Manchester parent and offered my opinion that I felt they’d had the stuffing knocked out of them and that I didn’t think they’d recover in the second half. He turned to me as if I’d gone mad and simply said “Let’s see”. How wrong was I!

The second half started as the first had ended with a try to Ashton, my heart sank even further into the mud. But then something happened. A sense of belief washed overr our boys and they took the game to the opposition. Massive pressure deep in the Ashton half resulted in a try being scored from a lost Ashton lineout. 2 - 5. Soon after, with the pressure still on, Manchester crashed over the line again! 3 - 5. I caught myself yelling “Come on!” though not as deafeningly as Steph (who must be the reincarnation of Peggy Mount). With the minutes counting down and Ashton rocking from the onslaught, a Manchester player racing towards the visitors defence fixed his opposite number beautifully before releasing a lovely weighted pass out to his team mate out on the wing to score in the corner. Pandemonium! With a permanent camp set up in the Ashton half, the last move of the match saw an Ashton player boot the ball off the pitch to secure a fine win for their team. What a match, played in the right spirits and one which Manchester can certainly learn from. Well played Ashton, it was a pleasure to play you and we look forward to doing so again.

The boys can learn a lot from this result. The heads DIDN’T GO DOWN (apart from mine!) which showed amazing character, and the way we played the second half was at times breathtaking.

Stats for this match are as follows: We had no lineouts whilst Ashton had two, winning both. We had one scrum which we won, whilst Ashton were awarded two winning both. Both teams were awarded two penalties. Stats showed that in this match the ball got out to the wing once and there were six breakdowns.

FINAL SCORE
MANCHESTER 4 ASHTON-UNDER-LYNE 5