BIKINIS, BONNIE TYLER AND CATAPULTING ENGLISHMEN

Manchester vs Stockport. Sunday 3rd March

Quiet week after the excitement of getting to lancs cup final last Sunday ( well done boys!) We officially entered spring on friday 1st march with some lovely sunshine. I have tried to look up quotes about spring but they are few and far between, other than poetry espousing love and talk of rising sap etc.

So resorted to looking at what happened this day in history. Apparently the Hoover dam was completed in 1936, the Americans let off a hydrogen bomb in a bikini! Sorry, in the archipelago of Bikini near the Marshall islands in 1954, (could have been messy) and the Swiss army was accused of invading Lichtenstein in 2007 when 171 of them misread a map during a military exercise. Bet they hadn't got their Duke of Edinburgh awards.

Anyhow, by the time I got to the club, the boys looked hot and sweaty as they had been given a good beasting playing touch or something to get warmed up. The coaches looked slightly less sweaty stood in their coachly huddles awaiting cups of coffee supplied by fair maidens. Well, Jen and I got Mark a brew at any rate, though by the time we had waddled to the clubhouse and back, it was just lukewarm and the games were about to start.

Well, these games were so fast that, as usual, the detail will be left to Statto. My impression was that the boys showed some fantastic teamwork and team awareness with great successful passing. The boys all seemed more confident with less hesitation than we sometimes see. Some of the moves were quite breathtaking with some fab interceptions showing great ball awareness. The effort they put in was evident with a bit of a lull in the 3rd quarter but they pulled back in the final quarter. Stockport worked really hard and this was not an easy game for Manchester. Over to Statto for the real deal now...

Some Quotes on Wales

“I used to say that I spent half my life breaking bones on the rugby field, then the other half putting them back together in the operating theatre.” JPR Williams, commenting on his dual speciality in rugby and medicine

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch means ‘the noise a Welshman makes when retreiving his frisbee from an electricity pylon’

“In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That’s a pretty good summer for Wales. That’s a hosepipe ban waiting to happen. I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off.” Rhod Gilbert

FOR SALE. A Sheep. One careful owner. Some superficial damage. All offers considered.

March 3rd 2013
As I sat at the kitchen table this morning about to tuck into my breakfast of toast and alphabetti spaghetti which mysteriously spelt out ‘You’re still alive. Why?’ I thought to myself “Nothing feels better than spelunking* in the peaks of a weekend, but rugby comes close.” To top it all, the Azaperone kicked in just after the wife muttered “You empty, joyless freak” before slipping into a heavily sedated sleep. Could life get any better?

I felt remarkably sanguine taking my place on the touchline, even a yeast infection from a two day Bara Brith bender to celebrate Dydd Gwyl Dewi, which for those still milling around Darwin’s Waiting Room is St David’s Day, couldn’t dent my spirits. Cheadle Hulme’s Welsh Ghetto had been rocking since Friday, ending with the traditional ‘Catapult an Englishman into the sun every 5 minutes to ensure a good harvest... or whatever, to the God of Drizzle’ display. We’d even been visited by the mutant horror cavalcade that are Manchester’s infamous U12s Mums and when they go out for drinks it’s just like a scene from Sex & The City! I am right in thinking there was an episode where Carrie punched a bouncer and threw up in her handbag, right?

“Unless of course these pigeon gizzards are wrong.” I mused, stamping my feet in the cold morning air “It’s going to be a great match against Stockport.” The Manchester U12s Mums Pre-Op Voice Choir were in fine form as the teams lined up. If you closed your eyes (and started to stuff soil in your ears) Steph and the girls sounded like a mix of Bonnie Tyler, David Lloyd George and Gruff Rhys from Super Furry Animals! Magical, just not sure whether it was a guttural rendition of ‘Land of my Fathers’ or something mind-bogglingly offensive.

FIRST QUARTER
Manchester kicked off and all the early play was concentrated Stockport’s half. Manchester were soon rewarded for their positive early start when they stole the first ruck of the match, gathered up the ball and with three passes managed to send it from one side of the pitch to the other for a waiting player to score in the corner. Manchester continued to press, barging their way through the middle, into the Stockport 22 only to run headlong into the determined visitors defensive line. From an opposition kicked penalty, the ball was caught well by a Manchester player who galloped over the half way line before being stopped well. A ruck formed which Manchester won and the ball was fed out for a player to crash through the defence to ground the ball over the line. Try three was the result of another well contested ruck which Manchester just managed to win despite determined work by Stockport. The ball was again sent hurtling the width of the pitch before reaching a sprinting Manchester player who flung himself over the line to register a score. There were several phases of strong ball-carrying down the middle which came to nought before passing through four pairs of hands out wide, finding a home player who managed to shove his way over the line for try number four.

Overall thoughts for this period were that the attacking play was impressive. Tellingly, the boys managed to get the ball out to the wings four times which stretched the opposition defence, and scored FOUR TIMES! Manchester were also very solid in defence when called upon, tackling well and not giving an inch.

Stats for this quarter are as follows: Manchester didn’t kick the ball whilst Stockport kicked once. We had one lineout, winning one and Stockport also had one, which they lost. We had one scrum, which we won, whilst Stockport were awarded three, winning all. We had two penalties but the visitors were given one. Stats showed that in this first period the ball got out to the wing four times but there were three breakdowns.

Manchester 4 Stockport 0

SECOND QUARTER
After initial play in the Stockport half, the game evened out and no tries were scored. A number of times Manchester players managed to get the ball under their arms but rather than sprint into space, close to try and crash their way through what was a congested centre of the pitch only to be well stopped by the Stockport defence who’d launch an attack of their own. It was also notable that the visitor’s counter-rucking was getting stronger as the game progressed.

Overall thoughts for this period were that the game was absorbing but Manchester were making too many errors and again reverting to trying to charge their way through the middle rather than play the ball out wide.

Stats for this quarter are as follows: Manchester kicked the ball once whilst Stockport kicked three times. We had no lineouts, whilst Stockport had one, which they won. We had two scrums, which we won, whilst Stockport were awarded three, winning one. We had one penalty but the visitors were awarded three. Stats showed that in this first period the ball got out to the wing twice but there were five breakdowns.

Manchester 0 Stockport 0

THIRD QUARTER
The fifth try was a wonderfully opportunistic one. Stockport trying to relieve pressure on their own line attempted a kick which was charged down by a marauding Manchester player. The ball bounced clear and was eagerly pounced upon by his team mate. Back came Stockport as they scrapped and played their way towards the Manchester try-line, only to be denied at the last by a well-needed kick out of danger. Manchester’s turn to attack. Three passes and carries saw the ball move sweetly from their own half to deep inside opposition territory before being swept over the line for try six. Stockport again piled on the pressure and they were justly rewarded with a try of their own. Manchester won their own scrum and this time went blindside, feeding the ball to a rushing team mate who found space to run into down the wing to score in the corner. From the kick off the ball was safely caught and two quick passes released a player to score a fine, jinxing solo effort.

Overall thoughts for this period were that the half was somewhat like the previous one. Nearly all of the attacks were down the middle but there were no breakdowns. Stockport deserved their try.

Stats for this quarter are as follows: Manchester kicked the ball twice whilst Stockport didn’t. We had no lineouts, whilst Stockport had one, which they lost. We had no scrums, whilst Stockport were awarded three, winning twe. We had one penalty but the visitors were awarded two. Stats showed that in this first period the ball got out to the wing twice but there were no breakdowns.

Manchester 4 Stockport 1

FOURTH QUARTER
Stockport were strongest out of the blocks and they registered their second try of the morning after a period of strong pressure. This seemed to wake Manchester up and they responded with a pair of ratted tries. The first from a won Manchester scrum near the Stockport try line - the ball momentarily was loose and was seized and scrambled over the line. The second came from a fumble by Stockport at another ruck which was jumped on by a Manchester player who managed to squeeze himself through a wall of bodies to ground the ball.

Overall thoughts for this period were that the boys after an initial scare played strong, determined rugby, mainly in the opposition half and were sharper to the ball, showing another side to their play. However errors once again crept into their play as seen in the stats for the breakdowns. Overall though I award this performance a “JPR Williams”. If you’d won the second quarter you would have received a “Gareth Edwards”.

Stats for this quarter are as follows: Manchester kicked the ball twice whilst Stockport didn’t. We had no lineouts, whilst Stockport had one, which they lost. We had no scrums, whilst Stockport were awarded three, winning twe. We had one penalty but the visitors were awarded two. Stats showed that in this first period the ball got out to the wing twice but there were no breakdowns.

FINAL SCORE
Manchester 10 Stockport 2

Overall though I award this performance a “JPR Williams”, if you’d won the second quarter you’d have received a “Gareth Edwards”. Well done boyos! Many thanks to Stockport for a well contested match. Good luck for the rest of the season.

*Caving