COQUETTISH LAMBS, EPIDURAL ANAESTHESIA AND THE VAGUE SENSE THAT YOUR LIFE HASN’T GONE AS WELL AS YOU’D HOPED

You know it’s time to do the washing up when you run out of spoons in the drawer to butter your toast... which was why, ten minutes later, I was sitting at the grease-splattered table of a well-known fast food chain, watching the next generation of the Statto family, bribed by the Disney Corporation with the promise of a small, plastic, Taiwanese-made representation of a singing caveman, stuff lumpy handfuls of greyish-brown McChrist’s-sake-don’t-ask-what’s-in-it fat that could also be used for wiping down the walls of an Icelandic whale-gutting factory into their faces. To be honest my children are almost too old to fall for this, but I may never hear them laugh and gag at the same time ever again, so it’s important to take pleasure from these moments... and to string these moments out until it’s deemed safe enough to return home after the wife has pointedly failed to thank me for the sweater I got her with the ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ logo on.

To be honest I’d been dreading today for years. This morning the U12s play their last match as ‘Minis’ before making the rite-of-passage move into the Junior section of the world’s second oldest rugby club. The years seem to be flying by faster and faster, it only seems like yesterday that I was nervously watching Celtic beat Kilmarnock 1-0 away on the TV in a delivery room at Stepping Hill hospital during my wife’s labour, when the midwife asked, “How about Epidural Anaesthesia?” “Thanks” I replied, “but we’ve already picked a name.” Even this week has flown...

SUNDAY
I stood at the side of the pitch talking to Hollywood legend Fay Wray as the boys beat Ruthin Rugby Club by five tries to nil. I tell you what, she’s aged well! For a woman who turned 105 last September, she had the looks of someone four decades younger. After the match a jubilant Manchester Dad, deliriously celebrating the first victory on Welsh soil by an English team since Edward I in 1283, demanded to know of me “What do you think of that then?” I hadn’t taken any notes unfortunately so couldn’t break down the figures but you can read the full match report by simply getting hold of the May 2013 issue of Rugby World, turning to pages 14-15 and substituting “Manchester” and “Our Boys” for “Wales”, and “Opposition” or “Home Team” wherever England are mentioned. (With an obvious apology to anyone from Ruthin who might be reading this! Fellas we were treated grandly by your club, the hospitality was excellent, the boys had a smashing time and we’d love to welcome you back to Manchester, but you should try being Welsh and having to live amongst this shower, they’re still sore that although Doctor Who is filmed in Cardiff the producers still use actors from this neck of the woods to cut down on the costs of prosthetic make-up) Before we move on, did anyone else think the lambs looked coquettish, or was that just me?

MONDAY
In a moment of madness I typed “Missing medieval servant” into Google but it came up with “Page not found”.

TUESDAY
Went trainspotting. It was really easy. They’re massive and make loads of noise.

WEDNESDAY
After almost losing a limb retrieving a five pence piece from the side of the road, I found myself mulling over that old adage “Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have a vague sense that your life hasn’t gone as well as you’d hoped.”

THURSDAY
Loneliness kicked in today with the realisation that even my imaginary friend lives half an hour away. By bus.

FRIDAY
Came to the conclusion that it was time to abandon Britain as Greggs becomes too expensive. With the country’s economy flatlining, things do seem to be hurtling downhill like Frank Spencer on a pair of roller skates. If people can’t afford Greggs, then I would say we’re about six to eight weeks away from what I like to call ‘Mad Max 2’.

SATURDAY
Learned a timely lesson today. “Never get stuck behind the devil in a post office queue. For the devil can take many forms.”

SUNDAY
And so here I am. Wedged tightly in amongst the mass ranks of our U12s Mums who had wandered into the stadium, blinking in the sunlight with the giddy wonderment of newly-freed battery farm hens. I soon found myself dragged into conversation with these cheaply-dressed people, trapped in a cycle of loneliness which could only be described as ‘the ineluctable result of being unable to hold a conversation for more than 10 minutes without reference to brain numbing talent shows on Independent Television’, so I stuck to generalities. To be fair, the changing socio-political dynamic in Britain along with the blurring of interpersonal gender roles is key to understanding the emergence of alco-positive female archetypes such as Manchester’s U12s Mums. And they’ve usually got a filthy laugh on them and their own bar tab too. And with the advances in renal medicine and cosmetic dentistry, the side-effects are entirely treatable. However, after a few minutes of awkward silence I went back to checking my smartphone and staring brokenly into the middle distance. Thankfully the match started.

FIRST QUARTER
Playing in our hallowed stadium was a fine way for the boys to begin the 15 man version of the game. Caldy, a team I don’t believe we’ve played before, were the visitors. Caldy started the game with a long kick which is caught by a Manchester player and immediately the home side were in their faces. Some good early pressure from Manchester paid off when the ball was ratted out of Caldy’s possession and from this turnover the ball was smartly passed in to the centre of the pitch for an on-rushing support player to score between the posts. The conversion kick was duly made with the ball sailing over the crossbar and over the fence to disturb the cricketers. All the play was in the Caldy half. Manchester win the ball back again, and make good yardage towards the Caldy 22, before a lovely delayed pass sends a Manchester player clear through the opposition defence to score. This time the resulting conversion went wide and failed to trouble Silly Mid On.

Stats for this quarter are as follows: Caldy kicked the ball once. We had one lineout, which we won, whilst Caldy also had one, which they lost. We had two scrums, which we won, whereas Caldy were awarded four, winning one. We had no penalties whilst the opposition were given three. Stats showed that in this match the ball got out to the wing once and there was only the one breakdown.

VERDICT: If your decision to choose which car insurance to buy is swayed by the prospect of a stuffed meerkat toy, then you shouldn’t be driving anyway.

Manchester 12 Caldy 0

SECOND QUARTER
Manchester kicked off and immediately ripped the ball from the opposition. A series of wide passes from left to right across the field from just inside the Caldy half, got the ball to a waiting Manchester player on the far touchline to sprint through the visitor’s defence and score in the corner. Again This time the conversion sailed wide with the referee signalling for a wide. The fourth try was a testament to the pack’s determination, winning the scrum against the head for the scrum half to weave his way through the Caldy defence and go over the try line for a fine individual try. Another conversion converted another ball over the boundary. Right from the resulting kick off Manchester were in Caldy’s faces, this was the Manchester we know, a pack of snarling dogs snapping and lunging into every tackle against a committed opponent, looking for another score, trying to force the opposition into a mistake. Despite an excellent defensive display by Caldy Manchester were eventually awarded a penalty, which was quickly taken with the try scorer sprinting through a wall of players to touch the ball down. I realised that I was running out of cricketing metaphors by this point so it came as a relief when the conversion was missed!

Stats for this quarter are as follows: No-one saw the need to kick the ball, which was nice. We also didn’t. We had one scrum, which we won, whereas Caldy were awarded four, winning two. We had one penalty whilst the opposition were given two. Stats showed that in this match the ball got out to the wing three times and there were no breakdowns.

VERDICT: ‘Let off with a caution.’

Manchester 29 Caldy 0

THIRD QUARTER
Caldy started this quarter and a Manchester player took a great catch from the high ball, running with it into the opposition half before flinging it in towards the middle of the pitch for a team mate, who makes a fine run before being eventually clattered to the ground. Manchester continued to push forward and the pressure told when Caldy gave away a scrum. Manchester’s strong pack won the ball, and with a swift set of passes the ball was scrambled over the line for a try. A Manchester player stepped up to sweep the conversion between the sticks. The second try of the period was a carbon copy of the previous one, more fine work and unselfish play bringing the reward of five more points. Moving onto Tiddlywinks terminology, the resulting crud bomb missed the pot, though to be fair it was from the penhaligan.

Stats for this quarter are as follows: Neither side showed the slightest inclination to kick the ball either strategically or in anger. Also the ball stubbornly remained in play the whole quarter, rather like Mrs Statto, who’s increasingly looking like the sort of wine-maddened woman who lives amongst stalagmites of yellowing newspapers in a boarded-up house overrun by cats and dream catchers, so lineouts were conspicuous by their absence. We had one scrum, which we won, whereas Caldy were awarded three, which we also won. Neither side had any penalties, fixed or otherwise. Stats showed that in this match the ball got never got close to the wing and there was only the one breakdown (if you didn’t count mine).

VERDICT: The police never think it’s as funny as you do.

Manchester 41 Caldy 0

FOURTH QUARTER
Manchester kicked off and were quickest out of the blocks, scoring a try in the corner, sadly the resultant conversion veered just wide. Straight from the re-start Manchester were on the offensive. From a won scrum against the head, a Manchester player broke the first line of defence and ran into open space before cutting outwards down the line then jinxing between defenders to score under the posts. This time the conversion was good. The third try of the quarter was the result of two driving runs down the centre, each of which were almost, but not totally, stopped by the Caldy defence, leaving just enough momentum to get over the line. Conversion made, there was just enough time for a last, fine solo run from Manchester’s own half for a try to be scored beneath the posts. The resulting conversion kick was made which brought to an end this teams Mini days.

Stats for the last ever quarter played as a mini team are as follows: Neither side could find their kicking boots. Also the ball (once again) stubbornly remained in play the whole quarter. We had one scrum, which we won and Caldy were also awarded one, which we also won. Manchester had no penalties but gave away three to the opposition. Stats showed that in this match the ball got to the wing thrice and there were two breakdowns.

VERDICT: If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, you probably know the same people I do.

Final Score
Manchester 67 Caldy 0

Many thanks to Caldy for their part in a well contested and fought match.